Merry Christmas to all, and to all, some good mood-altering substances.

I think I'm packed for Christmas, yeah?  

No, wait... You're right. I need beer.

Also, I totally hear you -- Xanax would've been great, but alas, there's some shit about ethics where they won't give it to me because I don't actually have anxiety? I KNOW, right, what the shit? This IS America, right? Family gatherings + Jesus' birthday = special dispensation. That's in the Bible: "And lo, distributed among them, there were delicious medications, and yea, they were happy. OK, well...not really HAPPY, but they didn't hit anyone, and so there was peace on earth, and sedated goodwill toward men."

P.S. I will spend today baking MANY cookies; those are almost Xanax if you eat enough of them. 

P.P.S. That whiskey is not for me. That shit is like having one of those hippie honey cough drops in your drink. Ugh.

This holiday season, give the gift of kissing my ass.

During holiday seasons I love to torture myself by looking at those bullshit "for her" and "for him" gift recommendation lists.

For instance, BN.com recommends "for him" all this sweet Star Wars and Doctor Who stuff, Rodin "Thinker" bookends, and cool beer/gin kits. And "for her," a bunch of fucking candles and tote bags and tea sets, and what looks like every pink gift item they sell.

Kiss my dick, Barnes & Noble.

I will admit, I love candles and pink stuff. But I also like beer and gin, dammit, and I do, um, THINK, at least often enough to enjoy "Thinker" bookends. Plus I know tons of ladies who'd enjoy Star Wars/Doctor Who swag. Hmph.

Mad props to LivingSocial, though. Their "for her" gift guide has bourbon tastings, distillery tours, photography lessons, and race car experience packages. (And Brazilian waxes, but eh, it's still a good list of options. And, um... I'll just go ahead and add that wax to my cart along with the bourbon tasting. That's gonna be a weird day.)