Fat-armed and dangerous

I'll give my self-hatred credit: sometimes it gets really good with specifics.

I put on a sleeveless shirt, because whoo hoo, nearing 80 degrees in Philly today! Suck it, seasonal depression!

But then I got a gander at my upper arms, and... Jesus Christ, can you get arm lipo? I bet you can. I should look into that. Arm lipo sounds much easier than hoisting my fat ass off the couch, popping in a Shaun T DVD and actually, um, WORKING on it. Pfft. This IS America, isn't it? Suck out my fat and then give me a snack.

Joking. FINE. I'll do a pushup. FINE.

P.S. If I could do those pushups on TOP of Shaun T, I'd be far more enthused. I know, I know -- he's gay, and married. Like I'd have a shot if he weren't. LET ME DREAM, people.

Sinful sneakers

Via Huffington Post: Adidas Shuts Down Homophobic Commenters In The Best Way Possible.

...Right, then.

So we're all gonna go buy at least one pair of Adidas shoes?

Good. Glad we had this talk.

The HELL? My brain saw "super-cute shoes" on "feet." Not on "gay feet." How does that even cross your mind?

Also? They're SHOES. On INSTAGRAM. How do you have time to give even ONE baker's fuck about this? Or does "being an asshole on the Internet" now count as "doing God's work?"

Nabbing some free-range dick.

I think I've met my soulmate at work.

I mean, he's gay, and married, but I'm clearly unfuckable, anyway, so I think we could make this work. 

(Kidding. I know I could catch a dick if I tried.)