The Curious Incident of my Ability to Obsess

I promise I have other topics for later today, but in the meantime I'll need one of you to come tie my hands together so I don't end up responding to That Guy's email to ask if he wrote me solely because he saw the "closure" post the other day.*

It's TOO big a coincidence to be anything else.

And with that, fuck this. I have awesome to be. (Let's see if that posturing is effective.)

*If you need to make the hand tying kinky, though, I can probably work with that. 

EDIT: Crisis averted! Never underestimate the healing powers of red lipstick, great hair, coffee, and music. (Bruno Mars, "Uptown Funk" and The Band Perry, "Done," if you wondered.)

Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.

The other day I wrote about That Guy, how I can't block his email address without an existing email, but I'd deleted all his emails, emptied the trash, and sent in a sweeper in case there were any stragglers.

So obviously today I get an email from him saying he'd been going through some books and found two I'd loaned him a million years ago, wanting to make arrangements to return them. (By mail or go-between. Not by seeing me in person. Don't be absurd -- you save "in person" for people you give a fuck about, right?)

So he either saw the post, because he follows this page on Tumblr, or he just happened to have emailed me. I really don't know which.

Also, if he saw it, part of the post was: "There was comfort in the idea of closure, because there'd be no more worrying about letting my guard down when checking email — let’s be honest, stupidly half-hoping I’d ever be worth more than a drunk-texted apology at 3 a.m."

So...if we're going to assume he's seen it, the underlying message of that email is that I'm NOT worth more than that.

So I guess it's a good thing I'm heading to therapy in a half hour, yeah? 

Breathing. Breathing. Breathing. I am, like, 150 times stronger than this.

All his sex toys are Fisher Price

I have to post this screenshot of my OkCupid messages because I feel like you wouldn't believe me otherwise.  

I cropped his name and all identifying info, but I will say he's 20 and lives near my office, so if I ever want to feel like I'm fucking the youth out of someone on my lunch hour, this intrepid young lad is at the ready. Sold, Toddler. Let's do this.

Hm. It'd be great if youth were an STD, like if I let this kid do things to me and suddenly I had tons more energy and drank hard lemonade and all my laugh lines were gone. Get on that, science. (Except the hard lemonade. Gross.)

I also love how this proposition is supposed to improve my mood, like, "Wow, that was a shitty day at work and those shoes made my feet hurt and I'm really not looking forward to that family gathering this weekend... But a Cub Scout wants to bang me, so wheeeeee!"

I'd never pay that much for an orgasm

One of my other goals this year is "Get my money right," because I'm SUPER tired of being broke, so I'm trying to trim expenses where I can.

I'm on the Sephora site getting my face wash (which is pricey, but pleases me daily, and lasts forever, and gets supplemented with cheaper products, and it is my FACE, and I'm aging fairly well, so don't judge me, whippersnappers)...*deep breath* Ahem.

So I was also going to buy my blush, because it's running out, too.
Um, yeah, NARS Orgasm blush is 30 goddamn dollars. Nooope. I could swear last time I bought it, it was $22 -- still not cheap, but not $30.

Christ, I'll just give myself an actual orgasm every day before work. Or, you know...I could go get some $3 blush at Target. Whichever...

P.S. With my purchase, I got a bunch of fancy samples, so now I also have new moisturizer and lipstick, so I don't have to buy those, so really, this purchase is a budget win. [/rationalization]

I'm only human, people

Oh. Well, hell, OkCupid guy... If you're gonna be cute, nerdy, tall, AND writing me a coherent intro message telling me I'm funny? I really see no way out of writing you back. 

I'm telling everyone "friends first," because first off, if he's just trying to get his dick wet, he won't write back, and also, I am petrified of actually dating, but I feel OK about slowly getting to know someone and seeing what happens. (And if it happens that he's nice and likes cake and we end up naked after a few dates, I feel OK with that as well.)

Like an ADULT. No, really.

A friend pointed out that I'm kind of shitty to myself when it comes to my ability to be an adult: "You are constantly talking about being incapable, an unfit adult, generally sucking at everything, along with other negative talk about yourself."

Hm. That's because I genuinely do FEEL incompetent probably half of the time, like I can't even believe I'm allowed to drive and make life choices. But I think the difference is, unlike everyone else, I say it out loud. And probably too often. 

A Facebook friend who doesn't know me very well went so far as to imply it was my "thing," and a coworker sent me a JPG of an "adulting honorable mention" ribbon that said "I put on pants today."

I really don't want ineptitude to be my "thing." Especially at work.

We'll add that to the list of goals to work on with the therapist, because I'm really not sure how to go about fixing it. (Other than to just shut the fuck up, which I guess is probably the best option.) But I can't get butthurt when people treat me like an incompetent asshole if I continue to act like one.

But ssshhhh... I'm totally going to go eat Froot Loops in my blanket fort. And the pants will be gone as soon as I walk in the door.

Cupid throws a curveball

I got an introductory message from an ostensibly grownup man on OkCupid. 

It seems as if he knows how to use words, he doesn't look like a murderer or Warrant, and he didn't offer me anal (at least not immediately).

I don't understand...Can the site even work that way?

I should call the police, right?

(By the way, I have no idea what to say. Are you shitting me? It's bad enough I have no game in person. Am I seriously a writer who can't respond to some random dude on a dating site?!)