I need to see your face before I sit on it.

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The Berenstain Bears and the Illiterate Cheesemonger

Conundrum: An otherwise fine, fairly attractive man on OkCupid sent me a message, but under the "favorite books" prompt in his profile, he just wrote, "I'm not into books."

Ordinarily, immediate grounds for dismissal: "If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them."

BUT...He works with specialty cheeses.

You GUYS. What if he's a cheeseMONGER?!

To his credit, among other things, his message said, "I'll start reading one now if it will help."

Well played, Cheese Guy.

Also, yes, it would help: War and Peace, please. Make it snappy.

At least he didn't say I'm "a full-on Monet."

First OkCupid message from a 19-year-old: "If a thousand painters from the last 200,000 years got together and decided to paint a picture, their creation wouldn't be as beautiful as you!" 

Wow...I guess it's better than just "hi"? 

Actually, with that many painters working on it, that painting would probably be pretty busted, so it probably WOULDN'T be as pretty as I am. I don't think I'm "beautiful," but I'm probably cuter than Picasso and Renoir getting into a slapfight while Jackson Pollock just goes batshit and sloshes around on the canvas. So points to you, Toddler.

Putting the "men" in "entitlement."

A 27-year-old on OkCupid sent me an intro message the other night, and I wasn't interested, so I deleted it without responding.

This morning he sent a followup message: "You're too pretty to give up on. I'm very persistent!"

Sweetie? This brand of "persistence" does not end with you getting the girl. Please don't make me get all J. Lo in Enough -- no one needs to see my midriff, I'm too lazy to learn boxing, and I would look absurd with that haircut. So maybe just quit being a dick.

I've also noticed many profiles that say things like, "If I send you a message, it's rude to just ignore it and leave me wondering. The least you can do is write back to say you're not interested." Um, no, actually. The LEAST I can do is ignore you. It's one click to delete a message. Writing you back adds the effort of keystrokes, so... that's more I'd have to do, not least. See how words work?

And boo hoo, a stranger finds me "rude?" Not polite and acquiescent like a proper lady should be? I'm sad. No, really. This is my sad face.

If a guy doesn't respond to my message within a day or two, I don't wonder -- he's not interested.

Via Body For Wife: She Doesn't Owe You Shit

A vast improvement on the scientific method

One of my OkCupid matches is a guy whose username is 12inchistoobig.* His profile says he chose the name because yes, it IS, and it's been an issue for him sexually when the woman can't take it. So he wants to warn us villagers up front.

He says he'll prove he's actually that big, which I suppose would be a fairly straightforward Exhibit A.

But then he says, before things get too involved, he also wants proof the woman can handle it, and the proof would be "they make toys in that size." I'm not sure how that would go, exactly... Skype? FaceTime? Do you buy the toy, or is it a BYOBC situation?** If I'm comfortable enough to try a toy in your presence, we've gotten pretty close, so I should probably just try your dick, no?

Now, none of MY toys are that big -- standard size gets the job done just fine.

So, no, Dirk Diggler, I don't know if I COULD handle it, but...I mean...I feel like we should try. For research. I like science. Do you like science? We should science.

P.S. I'm...98% sure he's full of shit. I just like to write long penis posts. 

*Not his real username.
** There's a "five-dollar footlong" joke there somewhere, but I'm tired, and Jared ruined all Subway humor.

I've been digitally Naked Manned

First message from a man on OkCupid whose only profile photo is a bathroom mirror selfie... of his butt-naked body with his penis obscured by a Photoshopped flesh-colored oval: "You have really nice photos! Very pretty and cute, and sexy! I just wanted to tell you that and yes I meant what I said. I hope you dont get mad but your photos turn me on so much."

I'm confused. Why would I think you didn't mean it? Of course you meant it -- you're trying to put parts of you into parts of me. It would hurt your cause to be like, "You're hideous and make my dick soft."

Besides, I KNOW my photos are cute -- that's why they're my photos.

Your naked body isn't bad to look at, sir. Thanks for that. Let us retreat to our respective spank banks and call it a day.

I need. To see. Your FACE.

Honestly, I MIGHT have sex with you! But you need to have a face! I can't know if I'll want to kiss your dick if I can't tell if I'd kiss your face.

Get a face.

P.S. I'm a little embarrassed at how long it took me to realize his message could easily be copy/pasted and sent to a million other women. I'll give him credit for that. And for his body, because JAY-sus -- dude has a better curve on his ass than I do on mine.

My "craft" is more like Kraft -- cheesy and fun, but of little substance and questionable taste.

A man sent me a first OkCupid message that alternated between asking me out and asking me for writing advice (my profile says I freelance, he's trying to).

Well, your message was 407 words, so I'd start with revisions. People are busy; make it snappy. (This entire post is 100+ words shorter than his message.)

Second, I don't know SHIT about writing. I vomit out whatever's in my brain, then shorten it – that's my “process.” Sometimes I consult a thesaurus. I can't advise you when I don't consider MY writing a skill. I haven't honed any craft -- I write what happens. Anyone can do that. So...do that. Start a blog. Ask to contribute to sites you like. Apply for writing jobs.

His profile says he's starting over, mentions being "codependent and childish" in the past, and now, at age 43, really trying to man up. His message said he probably shouldn't even be dating yet, but his discomfort tells him he should.

Dude… Respect, for sure, but I am also codependent and childish, starting over, trying to man up, and dating when I probably shouldn't be.

I can't date myself when I hate myself.

I'm not posting his whole message because it was honest and took courage, so I can't mock him. But seeing those issues laid bare straight away is, for my own issues, overwhelming. I know he's not asking me to help fix his life, but that's what it feels like. No can do, man -- I'm working on my own. Only one of us can be the fixer-upper.

Smother, Brother!

I emailed the OkCupid guy and canceled our first date, which had been tentatively scheduled for Saturday.

I'd already gotten antsy about how often he'd been contacting me -- I really don't need to talk to you EVERY day when we haven't met yet. I feel like a dick because he'd told me repeatedly how much he was enjoying talking to me. But my brain did its "Jesus Christ, PLEASE stop talking" thing that happens when I feel overwhelmed and smothered. Whether that's valid or just inferred, it's really hard for me to come back from.

I know I get weird, but this one was honestly, legitimately, not on me. I maintain that if one of the other red flags is something I'm not comfortable sharing here, THAT is a big, fuckoff red flag. I told y'all about that time I blew a guy in a Zipcar -- it's not as if I have a ton of boundaries.

Premature infatuation

Me: "I think I've set a new record for getting interested in, then totally over, an OkCupid guy. This last one took, like, three days."

Friend: "Are you serious?"

Me: "I'm probably exaggerating, I guess it couldn't have been THREE days... *looking at email* Holy shit, it WAS -- we started OKC messaging Friday, emailing Saturday, phone call Sunday night, and I woke up yesterday thinking, 'Yeah, I think I'm done.'"

This is why my therapist loves me.

Cameron Frye is my spirit animal

You know what's probably a bad sign leading up to a first date?

When your friend asks to hang out Saturday and you say, "Dammit. I have a date. But I think I'd have more fun hate-watching Fear and eating takeout with you."

In the words of Cameron Frye, "OK, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go...I'll go. SHIT!"

"Well, your Ken? Can kiss my Barbie."

Email to a friend:

"I'm about to talk to a guy named Ken on OkCupid. I know one super-rad Ken (your husband), and one super-douche Ken. So I'm going into this with mixed expectations.

"I guess there was also Ken from Barbie and Ken, but he always struck me as kind of a tool who was trying to hold Barbie back. Plus he had no penis, which sort of defeats...I'd say 33% of the purpose of me dating in the first place.

"Actually, he also had no tongue, and probably gave really shitty hugs with those unbending arms. And couldn't have made any sexy-man-noises when I did something pleasant to the blank canvas where his dick should be. And overall he seemed fairly disagreeable to be pressed against...

"Wait, what was my point?

"OH. Right. KEN.I hope this Ken is not a Ken of the genus Superdouchus. I don't need him to be a husband, just not a super-douche.

"P.S. I feel like Ken Burns maybe makes up for Barbie's Ken. So perhaps balance in the Ken Universe is restored."

I feel as though the Asshole Ratio is pretty even here.

I understand this goes against my general "do unto others" philosophy -- I would NOT want this done to me. I feel bad about it, it's a dick move, and makes me a GIANT asshole.

We all on board? Excellent, 'cause I'm posting this screenshot of an OkCupid message, anyway. There's too much majesty in it to be confined by a mere retelling. You must behold the glory in its entirety.

Identifying information has been deleted/changed to protect the overly cheerful at 8:goddamn-13 in the morning.

Damn, that's a lot of emojis when you're 52. (Or any age, really. But 52 for sure.)

P.S. My profile mentions Carlin's seven dirty words, but just generally, gentlemen -- pro tip? Never lead with farts. I'm still a lady, fuckface.

"No worries. If you miss the O train, it'll come again in 5 minutes or so."

Pro tip: If your OkCupid username is "fun_not_long," my brain goes to the filthiest and most unflattering place possible for you.

Yeah, yeah, "size doesn't matter" -- tell that to the guy I dated who was SO secure in that notion that he brought a compensatory Magic Wand* to our FIRST (and only) sexual encounter.

Digression 1: I was not at all displeased with the Magic Wand -- it's named that for a reason. If I didn't already own two pricey sex toys that get the job done just fine, with a portion of my forthcoming (heh) tax refund earmarked for a third because it looks SUPER fun, I'd be all over (heh) the Magic Wand.

Digression 2: Now my brain is wandering to memories of that Magic Wand experience (my first), during which I learned about orgasm denial, and why it's a thing. A thing that man was impressively skilled at doing to me. A thing I wish he hadn't just decided to DO to me without warning the first time we slept together, because I was ready to murder him, but a thing that worked out incredibly well for me in the end. I have no idea how he could tell when I was JUST about to, or if it was just a lucky guess, but damn. Dude was like the Orgasm Whisperer.

Digression 3: This is not a good train of thought at work. Though my mental image of said train barreling full-speed through a tiny, tense tunnel is a hilarious metaphor.

 

*I linked to the Walmart site only because I am infinitely amused you can buy it there.

Blow me, Shakespeare -- EVERYTHING is in a name.

I never mentioned that Elbows Guy had the same name as my ex.

But let's say my ex's name is John -- Elbows Guy was a grown-ass man who chose to go by "Johnny." That was enough of a departure to clear him for a first date, but in hindsight I don't know what I was thinking. Moaning "Johnny" in bed was not gonna work for me, just generally. But also, my ex's family called him Johnny when he was a kid, and occasionally as an adult at family gatherings. So in any sexual context, Johnny has "ick" all over it. (Johnny Castle notwithstanding.)

So of course today I get a nice enough first message from a different OkCupid guy, and I'm thinking, "Huh. This is pretty good, I'll probably respond," but then toward the end he says, "By the way, my name's 'That Guy.'"*

Of course it fucking is.

I gotta stop screwing around with guys with common names. Next guy I get naked with has to be named, like...Moonbeam.


*If you've just followed recently, That Guy is the pseudonym I assigned to a guy who hurt me pretty badly, and when I used to talk to friends about him, they'd be like, "Oh, THAT guy..."

Last words on Waffles Guy

I almost forgot to report that Waffles Guy texted me Sunday morning asking when we could get together again. And that is my fault. I did let him kiss me, and let him leave the last date thinking there'd be another. So...my bad. I did want to kiss him, and I'll admit I didn't have the balls to a) stop him from kissing ME, or b) sack up and say to his face that there wouldn't be a third date.

I let the text sit for a day because I was busy and didn't have time to think about a response. He texted again yesterday morning, asking if I'd gotten the FIRST text. I apologized for the delay, told him I had, but that: "I actually don't think we should get together again. I had a nice time, but I don't see it going further."

I said essentially the same thing to Elbows Guy, and he was cool with it, so... brilliant, right? I've created The Line? Kind, but clear? I AM a real writer!

Yeah, no. Waffles Guy texted back and said, "Why, what happened?"

And for as much of a snarky asshat as I was when recounting what happened on that date...nothing really "happened." It was all MY preferences and issues. There's gotta be a woman who'd find him charming...no woman *I* know, but surely someone.

So I told him nothing specific happened, but I didn't think we had "anything in common except for George Carlin. :)," and he responded, "Didn't get together enough to really find that out...oh well...good luck :)"

...Um, how much more time do YOU need? I knew 30 minutes into the second date. Do your stories about diverticulitis or shopping for shirts get better?

I told a friend about this and she said, "You didn't need to give him any response, but seriously, was he hoping you'd say, 'Never mind. You're right. We should date some more?'"

I gave him a, "Thanks, you too!" and called it a day.

Waffles Guy, we hardly knew ye.

"Let's do that. Let's do EXACTLY that."

So here's a thing a purportedly adult man decided it'd be perfectly acceptable to say to a woman in a first OkCupid message on a Saturday morning:

"Hiya. Would you be interested in getting great oral? Or at least a great make our session?"

A few things: 

1. I can't decide if he remembers he sent me the FIRST intro message 2 weeks ago and said only, "Hiya. LOL @ a relatively decent command of the English language. That's not asking much!" (Response to bit of my profile.) 

Is this supposed to be a followup after that went unanswered, like maybe he's just switching up his game? Or does my profile somehow convey that half the reason I'm dating is because I can't go down on myself, and he's like, "My direct approach will swiftly lead to this woman sitting on my face?"

2. You went with "hiya," huh? Twice? Right. *nod*

3. Assuming you could spell "make out"...we're 40. Really? I'm gonna get Date Pretty for a "make out session?" Would this be before or after your mom drives us to take the SATs? "Naw, man. Naw. Shit, naw, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' somethin' like that."

4. Can you even go down on a woman when you're obviously made entirely of balls?

10 Things I (Won't) Date About You

I'm going with a basic list for last night's date recap (Waffles Guy, date 2), because no storytelling would be better than just throwing it all out there:

1. He really likes Triumph the Insult Comic. He was surprised I didn't, because it's "such similar humor to George Carlin's." 

THAT is when I should've left. BUT...

2. He ordered Bud Light Lime. On purpose. And paid for it. With money.  

3. He mocked Rhonda Rousey for saying she was depressed after a loss, because "she just didn't get her way," and "male fighters would never say something like that -- they'd say, 'OK, I'll get back to the gym, work harder.'" 

So... You can't be depressed but ALSO plan to improve? But "that's not what a champion says."

He actually seemed pretty dismissive about mental health issues in general, which is odd because he works in a facility that treats addicts and people with psych issues. But fuck you, dude -- I'm only moderately crazy ("dysthymic," I believe is the word), and therapy and meds have helped me a lot. And I know at least two people who'd probably be dead if they hadn't sought help.

4. There's "gentleman," which I enjoy, and then there's repeatedly insisting I put your coat over my shoulders even when I've said I'm not cold. Dude, it's 65 degrees out, and I am a grown-ass woman who can determine when she needs a coat.

5. Related: While walking, he told me he was switching sides with me on the sidewalk so I wasn't walking closest to the street. 

I forgot that was a THING. 

I don't usually get feminist-tweaked until you start treating me like a child, and then suddenly you're staring down the barrel of 40 years of family issues. I know when I need a coat, and it's our second date, so... you're gonna, what, get hit by an out-of-control car so I don't? Way to volunteer as Tribute.

6. Discussing movies:
Him: "I never saw Lord of the Rings. Is that the one with the kid with the glasses?"
Me: *blink*"...No. That's Harry Potter."
Him:"Oh, right! I've never seen those movies, either."

I don't care if he didn't see them. But how the actual balls do you confuse the two?

7. He said Breaking Bad was "just OK," and that Better Call Saul is better. I hope someone gives you Stevia. (Kidding.)

8. Audible eater. (Of FOOD, shut up.)

9. While not as disgusting or graphic as I would've thought, hearing how diverticulitis presents in an adult male is still pretty boring.

10. When I asked if he was a Trump voter: "There are two things I don't talk about in public: religion and politics. One I know far too much about, one I know nothing about. I won't tell you which is which, but I will say I went to Catholic school for 12 years."

Wow. I am in awe of the enigma of you.

I realize some of this is just me being an asshole. But... I mean, the valid points are REALLY valid. (It also hit a lot of my big-issue nerves, but that's ME, not him, so I'll get into that later.)

P.S. I let him kiss me because I was still curious after he didn't on the first date, and I'll give him credit: Solid kiss, one hand around my waist, one hand in my hair. Good work, sir. A little too much moaning for me personally, but overall, good for you.

It's probably not ideal that I embrace this double standard...

You guys, Waffles Guy is trying to cocktease me! We're going out again tomorrow, and I've been flirting, but he's all "We'll see," and "Time will tell."

Oh! Oh, honey! That's adorable! But...hm, how can I phrase this politely...?

I look like Tina Fey's and Zooey Deschanel's chubby love child. (I call it "Fey-schanel.") I have big boobs and bigger daddy issues. I'm pretty sure I can catch a dick anytime I want.

That's not bragging, because it would be the wrong dick -- there's no ego trip in knowing a random dude would shove himself into me halfheartedly in a townie bar's restroom. But I believe it's within my scope of feminine wiles if I were so inclined. (Even better, lemme take my cleavage to Comic-Con and quote "Firefly." I'll be married by the end of the day.)

Besides, I'm not hinting at SEX, Presumpty Dumpty. I would just enjoy some kissing. I'm actually terrified to have sex, because it's been so long I'm worried I'll be terrible at it, or freak out mentally. So I'm perfectly happy to put off intercourse, but it's pretty important I know I turn you on, and that your hand gets in my panties pretty soon, 'kay?

Good talk. I'd high-five you, but I shouldn't be able to, because WHERE have we just decided your hands should be...?

A man with no face validates mine.

First OkCupid message: "Hi smug, how r u? U r so gorgeous"

Well, look at you, answering your own question! I'm "so gorgeous," is how I am. See, you don't need me! You just need to believe in yourself! Good for youuuuu!

He has no photos, and as a general policy I don't reply to men with no face. You're on a dating site. If you're too dumb to know your face might be important, too lazy to upload at least ONE photo (or to type two the extra letters to make REAL words), and so selfish that you're clearly talking to me on the basis of MY photos because "gorgeous" is all you had to say...

*deep breath*

No.

Waffling on Waffles Guy

So, Friday night I had a first date -- waffles! -- with an OkCupid guy. After waffles, we walked around New Hope, and he seems nice and likes standup comedy. I didn't feel a huge spark, but he's cute, and...like...he's fine. He's a dude. *shrug*

He walked me to my car and we agreed to a second date later this week. Then for the goodbye, I thought he was just aiming for a hug, so I leaned my face toward his shoulder, but then he kissed my cheek while I did that, so I thought, "Crap, did I just dodge a kiss on my mouth? I didn't mean to do that. I like kissing."

So because I'm a dipshit, I texted him at a light on my way home and said, "Don't know if I inadvertently dodged the kiss or if you're just a gentleman, but next time..."

And his response was, "First and foremost a gentleman."

You guys? You know how I know he's too nice for me? Because after he said that, my brain thought, "Aw, that's sweet," and then my ladyparts were all, "We would fuck him senseless right this minute." 

Even just from a hug, I keep smelling him faintly on me. GOD, I love that.

I don't think I've ever NOT kissed a guy on a first date. So before Friday, I'd officially gotten my ass spanked in a Ford Focus on a first date more times than I've not kissed someone. (That is to say, once. And also, shut up.)

But again, I texted my friends after the date and said, "I'll go out with him one more time, but from his texts and this first encounter... I don't know, I don't think he's One of Us." 

I know I don't want a relationship just yet, but it's not terribly promising if I don't think we even click well enough to be friends. But we'll try one more time. At a minimum, I must kiss.