Blowjob interns.

And with her first sentence, Gillian Flynn basically dares me not to devour this book in one sitting. (It's a standalone short story, so it's only 62 pages, but still.)  Also, I am terrible at handjobs, because they put the "dick" in "ridiculous." You HAVE hands. I have a mouth. It's WAY better. My hands are like my mouth's slacker interns -- they help my mouth along and fetch it coffee and stuff, but we don't trust them with the really important projects.