I need to see your face before I sit on it.

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Wax on, whacks off

Re: @yvettestjames blowjob class: "I already knew HOW, but it's like knowing how to fight & then getting a chance to train with Mr. Miyagi."

Better living through blowjobs

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Growing and blowing

Tonight I'm going to learn how to put a condom on a banana using my mouth. So... My Friday night is probably gonna be different than most. 

"How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?"

Smother, Brother!

I emailed the OkCupid guy and canceled our first date, which had been tentatively scheduled for Saturday.

I'd already gotten antsy about how often he'd been contacting me -- I really don't need to talk to you EVERY day when we haven't met yet. I feel like a dick because he'd told me repeatedly how much he was enjoying talking to me. But my brain did its "Jesus Christ, PLEASE stop talking" thing that happens when I feel overwhelmed and smothered. Whether that's valid or just inferred, it's really hard for me to come back from.

I know I get weird, but this one was honestly, legitimately, not on me. I maintain that if one of the other red flags is something I'm not comfortable sharing here, THAT is a big, fuckoff red flag. I told y'all about that time I blew a guy in a Zipcar -- it's not as if I have a ton of boundaries.

No dick left behind

So weird, I was just thinking the other day that I should take some sort of class to improve my skill set and better myself, to bring more value into my life and, really, into the world.

So I guess this came (heh) into my life at exactly the right time. It's like the Serendipity of blowjob classes... It's Serendickity. (I'll stop now.)

Fellatio Fundamentals with Yvette St. James: 

Eventually someone will pay me to tell that story...

It sucks seeing a Social Media Specialist job I want to apply for, requiring experience with Wordpress and asking for samples. 'Cause... I HAVE the experience. Wordpress is my bitch. But it's not like I can send them that post about a guy from OkCupid wanting to take out his fake teeth and go down on me.

I should start another blog and call it Working Clean. :)

(This is also my problem with local blogger meet-ups. "Hi, I write publicly about my vagina. Let's connect professionally.")

Fixodent and NEVER forget it (no matter how hard you try)

So, hey...

Remember that time I liked an OkCupid guy enough to talk on the phone? 

And how he mentioned his teeth were "fake," and I thought, "Oh, he probably has veneers. Those look so natural, dentistry is amazing. Tra la la...?"

And how later we got to talking about oral sex (as you do), and he said he's been told he's great at it because he has "more room to open up and maneuver around?"

And then how my brain doubled back and I ventured, "Do you mean you take...the teeth out...when you...?"

And how he was just like, "Yeah!," as if "gummilingus" were the hot new thing in the latest Cosmo and I was totally behind the times?

And then how I died? Remember that? REMEMBER HOW I DIED?

Man. Good times.

That is all true. I could not make that up. Fucking Chuck Palahniuk couldn't make that up.

I need to go take 600 boiling hot showers, and then surely there's some fancy spa treatment where you sit all day in a vat of Purell? Right. Shut up and take my credit card, and let us never speak of this again.

The honey jar is not a metaphor...at least not right now.

I'm still sick, and I'm definitely not saying I need a MAN to open this stuck jar of honey to put in my tea. But I AM saying I'd blow someone if they opened it, and men tend to be a little more receptive to that exchange rate. 

Hunting the rare and elusive uniporn

Holy shit, you guys. I think I've found some sort of porn holy grail.

Lots of kissing; equal and enthusiastic oral for both parties; no spitting; normal-shaped woman with the cutest tummy curve and a great ass; reasonably attractive man with a big yet non-threatening dick; enough talking/sounds to convey appreciation and a good time being had by all, but no obviously fake, exaggerated noises or commentary; perfect line walked between request and command from both participants; dude moaning a bit in her ear and grabbing her ass, hips, shoulders, neck, and hair; believable-enough orgasms (multiple!) for the lady; and his first move was to bend her over.

And I am just enough of a narcissist to be really into the fact that the woman moves and sounds like I do. 

It's like a unicorn of porn -- it's a uniporn.

Ahem... Um... So... I have to go, uhhhh... take care of a few things... It's pretty important...

(Hey, you fix bad days your way, I fix them mine.)

Blowjob interns.

And with her first sentence, Gillian Flynn basically dares me not to devour this book in one sitting. (It's a standalone short story, so it's only 62 pages, but still.)  Also, I am terrible at handjobs, because they put the "dick" in "ridiculous." You HAVE hands. I have a mouth. It's WAY better. My hands are like my mouth's slacker interns -- they help my mouth along and fetch it coffee and stuff, but we don't trust them with the really important projects.

You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

I wanna high-five every male porn star who goes down on his lady for more than a minute.

I mean, it almost never happens, so it wouldn't take long. I'd probably get a lot of other stuff done that day. Starting with hand washing.

Feminist as fuck.

Last night I went to Margaret Atwood's booksigning at the Philly Free Library. Look at me, all feminist and intellectual and shit. Classy as fuck, right?

Um, yeah, leading up to the event, I was having this hilar-balls group text with friends...

Friend 1: "What kind of classes should I teach at the sex boutique besides oral sex?"
Friend 2: "Something about body confidence in the bedroom? Toys, why to use them, different ways to incorporate them."

Me: "Confidence for sure. Maybe consent? Intro BDSM? Handjob Blandjob?"
Friend 1: "I'm the WORST at handjobs!"
Me: "That's because they're not a real thing."
Friend 1: "That's shit you do on your own. I'll never be as good."
Me: "Right? I hired you to use your mouth. I HAVE hands."
Friend 1: "I could probably teach a class about how to incorporate toys into coupled sex."
Me: "Yes. Because I have no idea. Well, wait... There was that one time. But nothing I did with that asshole counts. (To be clear, I did nothing to his asshole. He was just a shithead who brought a toy.)"
Friend 2: "I like giving handjobs...but only if they don't take forever."
Friend 1: "I'm terrible at them, hate doing them, always have, always will."
Me: "I like a happy man who's not looking to put things in my butt. If he needs a handjob, I'll DO it, but I just feel like I could be more useful."
Friend 2: "Agreed, but sometimes my knees are sore and I need to change it up. (Sorry, is this too much?)"
Me: "Yes, we clearly have a "too much" threshold. :) Also, my hands and wrists are FUCKED from phone/computer use, so handjobs hurt, AND I'm bad at them."
Friend 1: "Handjobs take forever. At least with a blowjob I can incorporate my hands to give my mouth a rest. I'm hardly ever on my knees. I just move around if I'm uncomfortable."
Friend 2: "Eh, sometimes they take forever, sometimes not. And I prefer BJs, and prefer my knees (good angle for all involved)."
Me: "Anyone else really want dick now? (Now, see, THAT's too much.)"
Friend 2: "I do. Husband should thank you both. (I see your 'too much' and raise you.)"
Me: "Ha! You're welcome, Husband."
Friend 1: "Boyfriend will also be benefiting from this conversation."
Me: "Meanwhile, I'm at a feminist booksigning. No dick in sight."
Friend 2: "Maybe there will be literary dick?"
Me: "Heh. Maybe. Or bar dick afterward."

The more you know...

Year of saying "yes" + learning new skills =  

"Ask not what lube can do for YOU..."

A friend of mine works at a sex shop, which sometimes leads to entertaining email conversations:

Friend #1: "I am so sick of people coming in looking for a lube that 'turns her on right away' or a lube for oral sex. It's your job to turn her on. She's not a car, it's going to take time and effort. Do it right and stop being a schmuck and I bet she'll be ready and willing. As for oral sex, dick is an acquired taste -- acquire the taste. Same goes for pussy. Flavored lube is gross. Grow up and deal with it. I don't know what you're asking me for when you talk about a 'cream for oral sex.' Do you mean whipped cream? That's in your local grocery store. Otherwise...I'm clueless."

Friend #2: "Maybe they mean an edible, relatively pleasant tasting lube? That kind of makes sense, for finishing a handjob or switching from a toy to some oral. But to mask the taste of dick? I don't know...Include some ice cream or fro-yo -- a treat for both of you. But it's still going to taste like dick. And lube that 'turns women on?' That's called not being a jackass."

Me: "I read this and genuinely didn't know what to say, because I was so confused as to how people can be that dumb but still free to procreate. I just...I got nothin'. I won't even eat flavored Cheerios, so making a guy's dick taste like pie is really not going to improve the experience, which, by the way, is ALREADY MAGNIFICENT."

The last person I was super into just had to LOOK at me right and I was wetter than a log flume at Six Flags -- I would've let that man do anything to me, and he would've been damn happy with the mutual result. Other people, maybe not so much the immediate log flume, but I'd tell them, or they'd learn, the spots they could hit that turned me from lovely, gracious lady into a willing and extremely able penile vestibule, and we'd use the lube when needed. With the exception of medical problems, this doesn't need to be THAT big an issue between healthy adults who are able to discuss what works, and who also have Internet access. Figure shit out. Prep your person. Get some lube -- not the kind that tastes like Bubble Yum.

Ask not what lube can do for YOU, my friends. Ask what you can do for lube.