Sometimes you're in a bad emotional place.
But then your friend who works at the adult boutique texts you to report that a man wearing a Trump t-shirt bought a giant, veiny dildo, and suddenly everything else seems pretty insignificant by comparison.
P.S. If you wondered, the toy IS made in America. Because America's ALREADY fucking great. (Literally, apparently.)
WOW. Can you just...stop saying things?
Sometimes I shut my goddamn mouth specifically to avoid saying something stupid. You know, like THAT.
Via Huffington Post: John Kasich Is Seemingly Baffled By Young Women Who Get Politics. 
Like... HOW? HOW? HOW are you at a mic in front of a crowd, thinking, "Oh. OH! This'll be great, I'll say THIS!" And then he trots offstage all, "You guys! Did you see? NAILED IT!"
They DO let women vote now, Governor. I know, right? I was shocked, too! But I watched "Suffragette" the other day and apparently it's a thing! Obviously I'm not 100% sure because there's so little room in my brain for facts next to Taylor Swift and rainbows, but..Votes from the Vaginal WOULD add to your bottom line, no? (And I do mean "bottom," because you're totally fucked here.)
Any politician worth electing would at LEAST give us pretty little ladies the ILLUSION that he gave a shit. Bernie Sanders has effectively assembled a goddamn army of ride-or-dies, with a shit-ton of Millennials ready to do his bidding, at least until their Adderall wears off. And Donald Drumpf has found his niche of angry middle-class (read: po') white folk ready to make America great again. Whatever disagreements I have with them, those guys know how to work that pole.
Jesus Christ, Kasich -- who the fuck taught you how to pander?
I just read that Donald Drumpf is now publicly defending his penis size.
Bigger (heh) question: Is it the same color as his face? #cheeto
