So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean...They're basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they'll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal

I scream, you scream, we all scream, "You're an asshole!"

*sigh* Just...just... UGH. Go fuck yourself, seriously. Hard. With one of the scarier, more invasive dildos.

I don't give a single kitten's dick who you're voting for -- no one would have asked a man that question. No one.

Hmm... OK, wait, MAYBE someone would've asked Chris Christie. And whoever did would still be a total fucking asshole. But I'd wager they wouldn't, because Christie probably could and would slap the Massengill outta ya for that kinda bullshit.

A friend of mine had a better reaction: "If you watch closely, there's a split second where she turns and looks at someone who clearly GETS IT and her face just says, 'FUCK THESE ASSHOLES. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.' At least, that's what *I* saw. Then she visibly squared herself to take on the bullshit sexism of the world and had another bite of her fucking sundae."  

Pole-itical pandering.

WOW. Can you just...stop saying things?

Sometimes I shut my goddamn mouth specifically to avoid saying something stupid. You know, like THAT.

Via Huffington Post: John Kasich Is Seemingly Baffled By Young Women Who Get Politics.  

Like... HOW? HOW? HOW are you at a mic in front of a crowd, thinking, "Oh. OH! This'll be great, I'll say THIS!" And then he trots offstage all, "You guys! Did you see? NAILED IT!"

They DO let women vote now, Governor. I know, right? I was shocked, too! But I watched "Suffragette" the other day and apparently it's a thing! Obviously I'm not 100% sure because there's so little room in my brain for facts next to Taylor Swift and rainbows, but..Votes from the Vaginal WOULD add to your bottom line, no? (And I do mean "bottom," because you're totally fucked here.)

Any politician worth electing would at LEAST give us pretty little ladies the ILLUSION that he gave a shit. Bernie Sanders has effectively assembled a goddamn army of ride-or-dies, with a shit-ton of Millennials ready to do his bidding, at least until their Adderall wears off. And Donald Drumpf has found his niche of angry middle-class (read: po') white folk ready to make America great again. Whatever disagreements I have with them, those guys know how to work that pole.

Jesus Christ, Kasich -- who the fuck taught you how to pander?

If I were a single-issue voter, that issue might be dildos.

A friend sent this to me: "Cruz wanted Texas sex to mimic assembling Ikea furniture: a dutiful, results-oriented process enacted without the assistance of substantial tools."

Via Slate.com: Ted Cruz Once Argued That Selling Dildos Should Be Illegal  

Which is super weird, because he looks so enthusiastic in that photo, like he's all, "Yaaay, dildos!"

(Again, this is not about politics, so don't argue with me -- this is about dildos. You find me an article about Sanders or Clinton trying to outlaw my vibrator, I'll post that, too. Dildos transcend politics. Dildos reach across the aisle. Dildos are something we can all come together on. [I'm done now. I think... Wait, one more time -- dildo. OK, now I'm done.])

A plea for smarter sexism

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Decidedly not pretty fly for white guys

I'm really not informed enough to comment on any racism or sexism that did or did not lead to this decision.

But the racism and sexism I saw while reading about it online were goddamn vile and disgusting. 

Via CNN: Melissa Harris-Perry 'highly unlikely' to return to MSNBC 

I didn't always agree with her, but I liked that show because it was a different perspective from all the white dudes they're focusing on. Plus, having seen the rest of their programming, there's really quite enough "breaking election news" without ditching your weekend morning hosts to make it a complete, 24-hour circle jerk. What, you need to pre-empt your Sunday shows to report that Donald Trump pooped and what that might mean for his Super Tuesday numbers?

Sartorial/Senatorial

"Senator Holmes? Let's talk. You know, your state's got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one."

A Kansas senator presented a new dress code for the State Capitol. Only for women, though, because men "already know how to look professional."

Oh, hey! Kiss my professional dick, sir.

Also...Senator? You work in the fucking State Capitol. OF KANSAS. What could these women have POSSIBLY been wearing? Pasties with tassels? G-string? Corset and thigh-highs?

I took this from the Fox News article about it: "[The code] prevents women testifying on bills from wearing low-cut necklines and miniskirts.

"Holmes said, 'We're looking for you to be addressing the issue rather than trying to distract or bring eyes to yourself.'"

Maybe legislate your boner, dicknuts.

(Full Fox article here.)

So, um... You're saying he's pulling out...?

 (Article, screenshot taken from Huffington Post.)

Introducing the new 2016 Chevy Hypocrite...

I don't get into politics here, or anywhere, really, because political discourse makes me anxious, even when I agree. But I saw this earlier on a truck in front of me at a red light, and I need to swear about it, and it's not actually about POLITICS, per se -- it's about misrepresented patriotism, and I think my bewildered inquiries are funny. So...disclaimed enough?

Right then.  

In case the photo is too blurry, it reads: "In Loving Memory of USA, July 4, 1776 - Nov. 4, 2008. R.I.P."

I have questions.

So, if your candidate of choice gets elected next year, does America get resurrected? Are we a zombie? Are we Jesus? OMFG, are we Zombie Jesus?

Once Obama is out, do we start all over with calendars, like a BC/AD changeover? BO/AO?

Why and how did the country die, EXACTLY? Pull over, let's chat. I really want to hear you to articulate it. 

And if we ARE dead, how are YOU still here? Reverse rapture? Shouldn't you be in a Kimmy-Schmidt-style bunker somewhere, eating freeze-dried jerky and waiting out this supposed apocalypse? 

If you really think the election of some dude you don't agree with is reason to MOURN AMERICA, then you clearly don't think as much of your country as you're purporting to. There's not one of these fuckers who could get elected that would compel me to put that dumbass shit on my car.

See also: go fuck yourself, and the depreciated resale value of your stupid car. Which, by the way, was a fucking CHEVY, which, according to your theory, as an American-made car, would've died in '08 as well (ahem, especially without an auto bailout...) so maybe go get a Hyundai if you're gonna weep for America, shitdick. (Or, hell, at least a Ford.)

I LOVE "Give No Fucks" Obama.

Via Huffington Post: Obama: 'Playing Like A Girl Means You're A Badass'

I LOVE "give no fucks" Obama.

Related: I also loved it when my city's mayor literally dropped the mic on July 4 after singing "Rapper's Delight" with The Roots. Outgoing politicians are THE BEST.

(Please don't argue with me about politics. Or, rather, please don't argue with yourself, because I'm not going to argue.)