Boosting morale and apparently also your dick

So, hey, Creepy Guy From Another Office in my Building to Whom I've Only Ever Said 'Hi' in a Small Talky Sense...

I have not "been on a diet."

I have not "lost weight."

I DO "look good," but it's pretty gross that you said ALL that while passing me in the hall. I realize I can't get you to stop appraising my body, but it'd be SUPER great if you could stop reporting your findings aloud.

Worse, I said "Thank you," because I'm an asshole, and am now wondering what kind of goddamn hambeast I looked like before. (I look fine, it's just my dress -- sundresses are very kind to my body.)

By the way, yes, I do think I'd be this pissy if it were an attractive man who said it. Because you brought my weight AND dieting into your "compliment," implying my weight until today had been somehow suboptimal. So fuck you twice-baked.

P.S. By the way, dicknuts -- depression, anxiety, and stress can also cause weight loss. In my case, so can being on drugs that screw with your appetite and hopefully prevent you from going crazy. But hey, I'm thrilled I'm able give you your Monday lunchtime semi. I'll go find out who I speak to about adding "fluffer" to my business card.

As if "Fuller House" weren't appalling enough...

Eeeeewwwwwww!

At the same time...respect... 

Via Decider:  

P.S. I saw a link for a porn parody of this over the weekend, but could not bring myself to click to watch Fuller Holes, even under the guise of "research."

The limit DOES exist.

I realize I'm ageist, but I think there's an age limit for using the term "friends with benefits." I haven't pinpointed the specifics, but I think it's before age 50.

I'm 40 and only say it jokingly. I also hate it, because at least half the people offering it want ONLY the benefits, but think they'll have better luck with the LADIES if they dress it up with a cute little bow.

Theory: You can't say "FWB" once you're getting mail from the AARP. That's...the rules of abbreviations.

Also, I don't know if anyone said that phrase before Alanis Morissette, but that's not what she meant, shitheel.

This reflection brought to you by a 54-year-old man on OkCupid, username "Just_Discreet_FWB," sending me three messages in less than 24 hours, either not remembering or not caring that he's messaged me twice before. I am clearly memorable. Either that or he's just old and can't keep track.

P.S. I'm not hating on 54. I'd get on 54. But THIS 54-year-old has the ick on him.

Eat Fresh Out of Fucks

*slow clap*

I am done giving even one underage fuck about this asshole.

#TeamQuiznos

#NoWaitQuiznosIsAlsoGross

#ButAtLeastItsNotMolesty

#StatutorySandwiches

#SorryImDoneNow