They don't even MAKE music for how sexy I am.

Normally I listen to standup comedy while I get ready for work, but I noticed the entire notion of "morning," especially "rainy morning," offers much less "fuck this shit" when I have music on. So today I put my iPod on shuffle and heard:

1. An Amy Winehouse song called "Amy Amy Amy" about dolling oneself up for a workplace flirtation...while I examined a pair of jeans I pulled from the hamper to make sure they weren't the ones I dropped guacamole on the other day.

2. "The Thong Song," while wearing llama-print hipster briefs. 

3. "Hell on Heels," flip flops.

I am basically sex on a stick, you guys. I don't even know how y'all deal with me.

P.S. There was also "Shut Up and Drive" by Rihanna, which proclaims, "I got class like a '57 Cadillac," which...clearly with the guacamole and the llamas and the $2 Old Navy flip flops. But also, "got all the drive and a whole lotta boom in the back," which -- pfft -- is TOTALLY true. 

My office is my meat market.

I love walking past tall, attractive men at work and knowing that, particularly from their vantage point, my cleavage is on point today.

I hope it's cool that you'll have be naked for your interview.

Another on office attraction...

Um, no, YOU'RE taking a former coworker's LinkedIn post looking for a new job as an opportunity to lure him and his giant hands into your office, OR just to give him your phone number.

Shut up.

I met him at my last job, shook his hand, and immediately wanted to have sex with him. He's literally the only person I've known on sight I wanted to sleep with -- normally it starts with, "I can work with your face and body" and gets more/less intense with conversation. This guy, I don't even care if he has a personality, as long as those hands do things to me.

This may or may not be influenced by the fact that my libido has been on absolute CRACK for the past 5 days. I think I need an actual person, one with weight, so he can, um...get the job done correctly. Silicone's just not working for me anymore. 

I don't THINK he's married, but it's been about 18 months since I've seen him, so who knows. He has my number now, though, so he can do with it, and me, whatever he wants.

Not half-ass. FULL ass.

I'll admit, most days I half-ass my appearance for work. I'm generally OK looking, so I let my hair air dry and don't give a lot of thought to my clothes or makeup. I'm going to work -- they don't pay me to be pretty, and there's no one here I want to get naked with.

But today I'm going out after work, and my God I'm cute when I give a damn. (And when my more fashionable friends hand-picked my entire outfit when we went shopping that time.)