I'd never pay that much for an orgasm

One of my other goals this year is "Get my money right," because I'm SUPER tired of being broke, so I'm trying to trim expenses where I can.

I'm on the Sephora site getting my face wash (which is pricey, but pleases me daily, and lasts forever, and gets supplemented with cheaper products, and it is my FACE, and I'm aging fairly well, so don't judge me, whippersnappers)...*deep breath* Ahem.

So I was also going to buy my blush, because it's running out, too.
Um, yeah, NARS Orgasm blush is 30 goddamn dollars. Nooope. I could swear last time I bought it, it was $22 -- still not cheap, but not $30.

Christ, I'll just give myself an actual orgasm every day before work. Or, you know...I could go get some $3 blush at Target. Whichever...

P.S. With my purchase, I got a bunch of fancy samples, so now I also have new moisturizer and lipstick, so I don't have to buy those, so really, this purchase is a budget win. [/rationalization]

I'm only human, people

Oh. Well, hell, OkCupid guy... If you're gonna be cute, nerdy, tall, AND writing me a coherent intro message telling me I'm funny? I really see no way out of writing you back. 

I'm telling everyone "friends first," because first off, if he's just trying to get his dick wet, he won't write back, and also, I am petrified of actually dating, but I feel OK about slowly getting to know someone and seeing what happens. (And if it happens that he's nice and likes cake and we end up naked after a few dates, I feel OK with that as well.)

Like an ADULT. No, really.

A friend pointed out that I'm kind of shitty to myself when it comes to my ability to be an adult: "You are constantly talking about being incapable, an unfit adult, generally sucking at everything, along with other negative talk about yourself."

Hm. That's because I genuinely do FEEL incompetent probably half of the time, like I can't even believe I'm allowed to drive and make life choices. But I think the difference is, unlike everyone else, I say it out loud. And probably too often. 

A Facebook friend who doesn't know me very well went so far as to imply it was my "thing," and a coworker sent me a JPG of an "adulting honorable mention" ribbon that said "I put on pants today."

I really don't want ineptitude to be my "thing." Especially at work.

We'll add that to the list of goals to work on with the therapist, because I'm really not sure how to go about fixing it. (Other than to just shut the fuck up, which I guess is probably the best option.) But I can't get butthurt when people treat me like an incompetent asshole if I continue to act like one.

But ssshhhh... I'm totally going to go eat Froot Loops in my blanket fort. And the pants will be gone as soon as I walk in the door.

Cupid throws a curveball

I got an introductory message from an ostensibly grownup man on OkCupid. 

It seems as if he knows how to use words, he doesn't look like a murderer or Warrant, and he didn't offer me anal (at least not immediately).

I don't understand...Can the site even work that way?

I should call the police, right?

(By the way, I have no idea what to say. Are you shitting me? It's bad enough I have no game in person. Am I seriously a writer who can't respond to some random dude on a dating site?!)

Putting the "act" in "disappearing act"

Snag in one of my new life goals: Turns out you can't block a phone number or email address unless you have an existing text or an email from the person you're blocking.

It's been maybe 6 months since I apparently VERY thoroughly deleted all that in an attempt at mental feng shui.

It's also been about 6 months since this was even an issue, so I probably don't NEED to do it. I was just going for a Rachel-Green-style "And THAT, my friend, is what they call CLOSURE." (I realize that's a bad metaphor; that turned out a lot differently than this is likely going to.)

And there was comfort in the idea, because there wouldn't be anymore worrying about letting my guard down when checking texts or emails -- let's be honest, stupidly half-hoping I'd ever be worth more than a drunk-texted apology at 3 a.m.

I'd have disappeared, so my brain could be all, "WHAT?! Come at me, bro!" [/Jersey]

Alternately: "Nyah, nyah, you can't get me!" [/inner child]

Theory: abbreviated words = abbreviated sex.

Aw, you guys!

I got a message from this guy on OkCupid asking, "u dtf?"

So, listen, it's been fun and all, but I probably can't write this blog anymore now that I've found the love of my life. I should really go start shopping for my wedding dress. 

#MyLobster

I just mentioned the other day that all those shirtless dudes were looking for "DTF" girl. And I totally AM "DTF" -- I will bang you like a gavel, that's just not how you get me to do it. You can't get in my pants with abbreviations; it feels like you're not motivated enough to fuck me to completion. 

All about that baseline

I don't remember where I heard that the way you bring in a new year sets the tone for the entire year. And I know, the way some people celebrate New Year's, that would be ridiculous: "I want to spend 2016 drunk and freezing my balls off in Times Square, wearing a stupid corporate-branded hat and squished against a bajillion other people!"**

Still, if that idea is even a little true, I'm kind of OK with spending this year employed (two jobs, even), well rested, well sheltered and warm, reasonably attractive, and having a group of bad-ass, supportive people who love me.

See also: coffee, bourbon, hugs from friends' kids, lipstick, and cookies. 

Sure, there are elements of my life I'm trying to change. But if the above is my baseline, I'm not mad at it.

Happy official new year, you guys. I'm glad y'all are here. 

** From a less snarky perspective, "I want to spend 2016 having memorable, once-in-a-lifetime adventures in exciting places with people I love" isn't such a terrible plan. 

Those hats are still the worst, though.