WebMD’ing my vagina just peaked my “talent” as a writer.

One of the dumbest things I’ve ever Googled is “abnormal vaginal bleeding.”

I know it happens. Just generally not to me, and not off and on for 6 days.

So I looked it up and WebMD says I’m basically dying. OR, helpfully, there could be “an object” in my vagina.

AN OBJECT. IN MY VAGINA.

I love how vague that is, as if there could be, like… dice in there. Butterscotch candies. Maybe a $20 bill I forgot about.

Get out of my vagina, Object. It is not for storage!

OMG, you guys…The Cuntainer Store.

Yep, that’s it. I’m never writing again. That was my Bill Hader score on LeBron James, right there.

P.S. There is absolutely no object in my vagina. My sex toys are all present and accounted for, and no other objects have been visiting the region.