P.M.S. P.S.

The P.S. on an email to friends about all my special feeeeelings:

"I'm also menstruating, so kindly accept this grain of salt. Just a grain, though -- I'll bite your goddamn hand off if you take my salt."

This is America. Medicate me.

I'm on medications to even out my mood, give me an attention span, prevent OkCupid babies, and control my heinous allergies.

There are, what, 4,000 erectile dysfunction drugs now?

I think there's one for a particular form of exhaustion you get from shift work.

They debated putting me on a drug that fixes ADHD and binge eating disorder, which... damn, I still want that drug.

So, really, you can't create a drug that will make me feel LESS like my period might actually kill me? One that keeps me from waking up weeping for no reason? (OK, there was a reason, but not a logical one.) Could you, like, get on that, Science? Or could I just get sent to the edge of the village or whatever?

I know there's stuff they can finagle for PMDD. I'm mostly kidding.

Related: the weather in Philly right now can kiss my dick. I checked the forecast and it just said, "Your mood is fucked until Sunday." That's what I saw, anyway. It's possible it just said it'll be cloudy and rainy.

Presented without comment

Via The Awkward Yeti's Facebook page:

WebMD’ing my vagina just peaked my “talent” as a writer.

One of the dumbest things I’ve ever Googled is “abnormal vaginal bleeding.”

I know it happens. Just generally not to me, and not off and on for 6 days.

So I looked it up and WebMD says I’m basically dying. OR, helpfully, there could be “an object” in my vagina.

AN OBJECT. IN MY VAGINA.

I love how vague that is, as if there could be, like… dice in there. Butterscotch candies. Maybe a $20 bill I forgot about.

Get out of my vagina, Object. It is not for storage!

OMG, you guys…The Cuntainer Store.

Yep, that’s it. I’m never writing again. That was my Bill Hader score on LeBron James, right there.

P.S. There is absolutely no object in my vagina. My sex toys are all present and accounted for, and no other objects have been visiting the region.

I am juvenile. And this is hilarious.

Via NYMAG.com: Indiana Women Are Calling the Governor About Their Periods. 

In which I have no interest in sexually transmitting the common cold

The bad news: I had to postpone the other OkCupid date I had scheduled tomorrow. I still have residual plague and it really wouldn't be cute if I were coughing up my entire lung over coffee.

The good news: Now there's time to get my hair cut and colored, get various waxes and a manicure like I'm an Actual Woman, and for my menstrual cycle to end, because I'm definitely not above third base on a first date. (He gives good text; he can skip ahead a bit.)

Make way for my Dating Representative, y'all. She's virtually hairless and wears heels. It's on.

ESPMS

I'm pretty sure I've prayed more to get my period this week, so it's over before my vacation, than I have any time I've had a pregnancy scare. 

*staring at vagina*

Bitch, let's GOOOOO...

In which I am at one with everything and everyone...

I MAY have just called the yoga DVD lady a bitch out loud, and told her that if I'm spreading my legs that wide, I better have at least one orgasm as a result. 

So I'm glad to see I'm responding to the spiritual nature of regular practice. 

In my defense, I'm in my living room and menstruating, and she's doing yoga on a beach in a white bodysuit, so fuck her right in her third eye.

Ahem. Namaste. 

Feminine hyGENIUS!

Wow. Finally a feminine hygiene product ad that really just...GETS how I roll during my period. Just laying on my white sheets in lacy panties and an ugly sweater contest runner-up, keeping my nose warm but throwing my legs, super-prominent hip bones, and concave lady-belly to the wind, staring pensively at the ceiling.

Totes the dream, right, ladies?

Mental health day, or possibly muffins for Jesus

One of the reasons I don't consider myself an atheist is that I get the kind of menstrual cramps that make me see Jesus.

And when I see Jesus, I stay home. Because you never know, He might need me to do things. Maybe I'm an emissary. That'd be sweet -- "I'm Jesus, get me a muffin!" Who knows? Mysterious ways and all. I should be prepared. 

Right now it seems He just wants me to drink coffee in bed. I always knew Jesus was cool. 

#MentalHealthDay