I feel as though the Asshole Ratio is pretty even here.

I understand this goes against my general "do unto others" philosophy -- I would NOT want this done to me. I feel bad about it, it's a dick move, and makes me a GIANT asshole.

We all on board? Excellent, 'cause I'm posting this screenshot of an OkCupid message, anyway. There's too much majesty in it to be confined by a mere retelling. You must behold the glory in its entirety.

Identifying information has been deleted/changed to protect the overly cheerful at 8:goddamn-13 in the morning.

Damn, that's a lot of emojis when you're 52. (Or any age, really. But 52 for sure.)

P.S. My profile mentions Carlin's seven dirty words, but just generally, gentlemen -- pro tip? Never lead with farts. I'm still a lady, fuckface.