I am juvenile. And this is hilarious.

Via NYMAG.com: Indiana Women Are Calling the Governor About Their Periods. 

Samantha Bee & the sorry state of women's healthcare in Texas

"I don't believe that. Where do you get those numbers?"

"Reality."

Wake me up before you go-go-get an abortion.

Yeah, pro-lifers, I think what you want right before the entrance to a really tight two-way tunnel that only barely fits two cars is a "Choose Life" billboard with a photo of a fetus, so l can nearly get into 47 different accidents because I got distracted thinking about fetuses and Wham!

Worst. Jubilee. Ever.

So, we all know I'm going to hell, but I read today that the Pope says it's OK for priests to absolve women of the sin of abortion, but only during Jubilee.

I don't know what Jubilee is, and I kind of don't even want to learn, because...Abortion Jubilee? Are you serious? That's amazing. That could be my band.

I looked up Jubilee and it actually sounds quite lovely. So go forth and abort, ladies. Don't forget to get your cards punched -- remember, pay for 5, get the 6th free, AND you get the t-shirt.*

* I was gonna say "you get the fetus phone, but a) That's pretty fucked up, and b) The "Sports Illustrated" football phone analogy is a tad dated. (Ahem. Get off my lawn!)