"Let's do that. Let's do EXACTLY that."

So here's a thing a purportedly adult man decided it'd be perfectly acceptable to say to a woman in a first OkCupid message on a Saturday morning:

"Hiya. Would you be interested in getting great oral? Or at least a great make our session?"

A few things: 

1. I can't decide if he remembers he sent me the FIRST intro message 2 weeks ago and said only, "Hiya. LOL @ a relatively decent command of the English language. That's not asking much!" (Response to bit of my profile.) 

Is this supposed to be a followup after that went unanswered, like maybe he's just switching up his game? Or does my profile somehow convey that half the reason I'm dating is because I can't go down on myself, and he's like, "My direct approach will swiftly lead to this woman sitting on my face?"

2. You went with "hiya," huh? Twice? Right. *nod*

3. Assuming you could spell "make out"...we're 40. Really? I'm gonna get Date Pretty for a "make out session?" Would this be before or after your mom drives us to take the SATs? "Naw, man. Naw. Shit, naw, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' somethin' like that."

4. Can you even go down on a woman when you're obviously made entirely of balls?

He made me an offer I could absolutely, 100% refuse.

SO.

I just got an OkCupid intro message...from a 6'3", "overweight" (his word choice) "Happily Married" man, with a single Photoshopped profile photo that obscures his face and shows none of his body, asking if I'd be into some "non-committal intamcy" (his spelling error).

This is his entire self-summary: "Happily Married, I just enjoy more, like any man."

Hmmm... You know, enticing as you've made all this, I'm probably set for a lifetime on playing second fiddle. I'm aiming to be Hef's main Bunny now.

I do appreciate the offer to fuck me and then go away -- sometimes I think that's all I need. But I'm a LADY, dicknuts. You have to come correct (heh) and supply me at least a few real photos of what I'd be working with before I'd even BEGIN to consider this. If I can't see your face, how am I supposed to know if I want to sit on it?

Honestly. Whatever happened to chivalry?

Also..."non-committal intimacy?" You are a grody bastard whose wife won't bang him anymore, possibly because you're on a dating site hustlin' for some strange. Own it.

NB: If that's what you've agreed to in your marriage, you go ahead and get yours. I've actually briefly considered similar offers from other, more forthright men. This dude just had a bit of the sketch on him.

Also, nothing wrong with "overweight." Half that weight is probably just his giant balls.

Wordpress is watching you.

Wordpress is kind enough to track the search terms that lead people to my page.

Here are a few:

• "Miranda Lambert slutty" (If by "slutty," you mean "fabulous.")
  
• "Kerry Washington receiving oral sex" (I wish I didn't want to see this, but I'd totally watch for at least a few minutes.)
  
• "Anal smug" (Nooope.)
• "americanwomanfuck" (Yes, please.)
• "woman on top sex positions" (yes, please, pretty please?)
• "glad I don't have balls" (Always.)
• "Netflix and chill pajamas" (THAT'S THE DREAM!)

I love you all, you depraved bastards.