OkCupid's new fill-in-the-red-flag feature

OK, I'm pretty sure your wife doesn't know she's IN the "open marriage" you list on OkCupid if your profile reads: "Married guy with a Wife that's interested in sex as she is in taking out the trash. Need someone I can connect with."

And then under OKC's fill-in-the-blank prompt of, "I spend a lot of time thinking about," he writes, "I future with someone who appreciates me more."

Wow... Take me, sir. Take me hard.

Jesus, dude. Maybe take four seconds and spin that into something a little less angry and tragic? You need a publicist. And a proofreader.

"That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works."

I've been talking to other "open relationship" guys on OkCupid, because apparently I'm open-minded now (?), and motherFUCK me -- leave it to me to find a Clinger in an open relationship.

How are you texting me every day, morning and night? Go text your main Bunny, Hef. The point of me exploring this option was that I wouldn't meet clingy people. How have you pushed a potential sidepiece to my "Please stop talking" threshold in less than 4 days? Do you have to have the open relationship because you talk too much for one woman to handle?

I get the sense his lady has had more success with this setup than he has.

He asked if I was OK because my most recent texts haven't been as enthusiastic or flirtatious, so I mentioned I was at work, and still debating if I can handle the open relationship.

He's still talking, "joking" that it's OK if I just want to be friends, but that I'll change my mind when I meet him.

OK, Karma, you've made your point: I behaved like a desperate, slutty Clinger with That Guy. I realized that on my own, and have tried to adjust accordingly, even with friends (minus the "slutty" bit). Are we done here?

And good work, dude -- congrats on being the reason I go back to giving people a Google Voice number instead of my real one.

Thankfully there's still another open-married guy. Hee. We like him -- he's dreamy and wants to go down on me. I'll have to name him. Probably, like..."Matt Trimony." Heh. I'm clever.

Slutty McSidepiece and the Stage 5 Clingers

Talking to a friend...

Me: "I'm thinking about hooking up with an 'open marriage' guy from OkCupid."
Friend: "You could try it. I mean...you're already IN therapy."

There's immense appeal in a guy who'll come with me to a movie, come with me in the bedroom, then get the hell out. When I try to date proper, I attract Clingers, get anxious, and make terrible choices. That shouldn't be an issue with one who's already housebroken.

But I also know myself, and I may be too insecure to come second...literally or otherwise. If Dude satisfies my needs too well, I may catch feels, and if I fall for him, I'm SOL. The wife's gonna stay the wife -- I'd just be Slutty McSidepiece. I do not do well as Slutty McSidepiece.

I wonder if I'd rather fend off Clingers and hold out for a person with whom feels are at least an option, even if we never get there.

Then again... I don't HAVE to date the guy long. Maybe I NEED a naked friend to fuck some clarity into me without all the relationship crap.

Also, if you consider where I am mentally, I might as well be in an open marriage, too. I have one guy I'd drop anything and anyone to help and/or be with, so as far as my heart and brain are concerned, I also have a "primary partner." Then I still have the second guy in the back of my head, just for bonus emotional fuckery, so I have even worse trust issues than before. I can't handle a real relationship, are you crazy?

Plus, if the guy turns out to be boring, I can just say I can't handle playing second fiddle. (And that may actually turn out to be true.)

I can spot a Clinger at 50 paces now, anyway -- "Oh, you're doing THAT? Yeah, I've done that. I INVENTED that. Don't even." So far I've encountered three on OkCupid, and I've dodged them all without ever meeting them.

I'm a Recovering Clinger, and I approved this message.

P.S. I actually ran this by the therapist and she says I'm in the clear as long as I'm safe. She told me it was good for me to explore options, to be aware of those emotional attachments I still have, to be conscious of what I need, and possibly work out a way to GET it without pressuring myself about being in a "proper" relationship. I think this is a good intermittent step, and she seems to agree.

P.P.S. Dude is ADORABLE and I want to make all the sex with him.

He made me an offer I could absolutely, 100% refuse.

SO.

I just got an OkCupid intro message...from a 6'3", "overweight" (his word choice) "Happily Married" man, with a single Photoshopped profile photo that obscures his face and shows none of his body, asking if I'd be into some "non-committal intamcy" (his spelling error).

This is his entire self-summary: "Happily Married, I just enjoy more, like any man."

Hmmm... You know, enticing as you've made all this, I'm probably set for a lifetime on playing second fiddle. I'm aiming to be Hef's main Bunny now.

I do appreciate the offer to fuck me and then go away -- sometimes I think that's all I need. But I'm a LADY, dicknuts. You have to come correct (heh) and supply me at least a few real photos of what I'd be working with before I'd even BEGIN to consider this. If I can't see your face, how am I supposed to know if I want to sit on it?

Honestly. Whatever happened to chivalry?

Also..."non-committal intimacy?" You are a grody bastard whose wife won't bang him anymore, possibly because you're on a dating site hustlin' for some strange. Own it.

NB: If that's what you've agreed to in your marriage, you go ahead and get yours. I've actually briefly considered similar offers from other, more forthright men. This dude just had a bit of the sketch on him.

Also, nothing wrong with "overweight." Half that weight is probably just his giant balls.