"Let me work it, put my thang down, flip it, and reverse it..."

Email to a male coworker: “I almost feel bad every time they bring a new male employee in, because my eyes automatically check his left hand for a wedding ring. But I DON’T feel bad, because at least I check.”

Then again, when I tell my other friend a man is married, he always asks, “Well, sure, but…happily?” But investigating that involves too many potential emotional landmines for me.

Another male coworker is married and just had a kid, and a female coworker (also married) told me earlier she thinks he’s “so sexy.” And I agree, I want to nibble his lower tummy — don’t judge me, that’s what comes to mind. And this woman said, “I’m married, not dead.” Damn straight, lady. Respect. Dude is STUPID good-looking — like, I don’t even understand how he’s walking among us mere mortals.

And there’s another guy who’s SO cute, and he has NO idea. Like, I met him and expected him to be a total pretty-boy douche, but he’s super nice. (And also probably below my age bracket, but… I mean, there are always exceptions… “And when I clock black hair, blue eyes, I drift off, I fantasize…”)

Flo' sho'

I think I might be content with a life in which my most significant and satisfying relationship is with Flonase.

Presented without comment

Via The Awkward Yeti's Facebook page:

Boosting morale and apparently also your dick

So, hey, Creepy Guy From Another Office in my Building to Whom I've Only Ever Said 'Hi' in a Small Talky Sense...

I have not "been on a diet."

I have not "lost weight."

I DO "look good," but it's pretty gross that you said ALL that while passing me in the hall. I realize I can't get you to stop appraising my body, but it'd be SUPER great if you could stop reporting your findings aloud.

Worse, I said "Thank you," because I'm an asshole, and am now wondering what kind of goddamn hambeast I looked like before. (I look fine, it's just my dress -- sundresses are very kind to my body.)

By the way, yes, I do think I'd be this pissy if it were an attractive man who said it. Because you brought my weight AND dieting into your "compliment," implying my weight until today had been somehow suboptimal. So fuck you twice-baked.

P.S. By the way, dicknuts -- depression, anxiety, and stress can also cause weight loss. In my case, so can being on drugs that screw with your appetite and hopefully prevent you from going crazy. But hey, I'm thrilled I'm able give you your Monday lunchtime semi. I'll go find out who I speak to about adding "fluffer" to my business card.

I don't see how I'm NOT supposed to buy this book.

I'm not supposed to be buying any more books, because there are at least 30 on my "to-read" shelf -- books I have PAID for that are just sitting there, as untouched as my vagina.

But, I mean, I think if my instinct based on a first page is to buy copies for myself AND every woman I know, I should get a pass, no?

Rhetorical question -- I already ordered it. Don't judge me. You're not my mom.
 

Net-fix

This DVD arrived in today's mail, proving once again that sometimes Netflix just gets me.  

"Oh, honey. We at Netflix know you've had a long, stupid workweek, and have a busy weekend ahead. We know you need to spend your scant free hours drinking irresponsibly, eating popcorn for dinner, and watching Gretchen Weiners find true love with the Lord's guidance in a movie that looks like it was originally developed for Lifetime. No, wait -- this has Hallmark Channel all over it. You go MST3K that shit, sweetie. You've earned it."

I really hope she finds out how "fetch" Jesus is.

Or, as a friend said, "Maybe he makes her realize butt stuff doesn't count." 

WE RIDE!

Marky Mark can still finger me. But the Funky Bunch cannot help.

I saw this movie WAY too many times during my adolescence, and this is one of the greatest things I'll see today: Movie Yelling With Jaya and Matt: Fear.

"...The movie was described to me as 'Mark Wahlberg fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then he murders her dog...'"

"And like, I basically could not stop thinking this family is going to be FUCKED forever. Her little brother had to run over a guy to get keys off another dead guy to get a walkie talkie to call the cops! That’s a lot when you’re 10!"

"That ten year old had a DAY"

BWAH HA HA.

And yes, in hindsight, putting a guy's hand up my skirt on a roller coaster does not seem smart, not least because, yes, "there is NO WAY Mark’s fingernails aren’t busted as fuck." But hearing that Bush song totally still makes me wanna come on the Kingda Ka.

I'm not ashamed to say I went to Amazon to buy this movie after I read this, so I could watch it as a grownup, but it's $10, and fuck THAT. How YOU doin', Netflix?

P.S. "...And THAT’S WHY you don’t change the clock in dad’s office so you can stay out late getting fingered, honey. The moral really should be never get fingered on a roller coaster, though. That’s a terrible idea."
"Do Not Get Fingered At The Six Flags."
"The motto of the 90s."