More wisdom from people funnier than me.

"The whole world could be cured with enough cake and antipsychotics."
-- The Bloggess, Furiously Happy

You are funnier than me and I hate you for it: a love story.

One of the books I read on vacation was So Sad Today by Melissa Broder.

I remain faintly annoyed at how good and funny it is, because I didn't write it.

(This is just from one chapter; the whole book isn't lists of "love stories.")

I'm about to go high-five this woman's vagina.

I was debating what to post today but couldn't decide. And that was CLEARLY because the Lord Baby Jesus knew I'd see this 5 minutes later and laugh so hard my stomach hurt:

"Jesus be a fence around this baby’s mother’s Love Pocket. May it recover, in His MIGHTY name. I IMMEJATELY started doing kegels upon seeing the picture because I got stressed by proxy."

"This baby walked out of his mothers vagina with a career and bills."

"...My uterus just put up a 'closed forever' sign when I read this. Any eggs that were left over just scrambled themselves to save my poor lady bits from that type of destruction. I’ll be over in the corner with my legs crossed thinking about ice packs and Percocet."

P.S. I am aware I'm a bad person. But some of the comments are so, SO funny.

Via Awesomely Luvvie: Whose Precious Giant Newborn is This?

Semi-approval from a porn fiend's semi

From the Department of Things Normal People Just Know But I Had to Learn by Having My Day Ruined*: Don't read online comments, SPECIFICALLY the ones on porn featuring women of a similar size/shape to you.

"Not bad for a chubby chick," says some 45-year-old serial masturbator in his mother's basement. 

If I ever write a book, I want "Not bad for a chubby chick" to be the review blurb on the cover. Wait, actually...yeah, that'll be the title. 

If I may borrow from a Chris Rock bit: "Yeah, I got a gut -- there's some good pussy under this gut." Can you say the same about your dick, Rando Calrissian?

* Kidding -- my day can't really be ruined by people who comment on porn.

Oh, good, so it's not just me.

Mo' mommy, mo' problems.

Bwah ha ha... "Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine."

My personal recent Mom favorites:

• "That's a great length for a shirt. It covers your butt."
• "This totally-the-opposite-of-your-hair color/style would look great on you!"
• "If you were going to have kids with anyone, I'd want you to have them with [Ex], because he's smart." (<-- That one was 3 weeks ago. We broke up 3 years ago.)

Cheers, y'all!

Via Reductress: 6 Wines that Pair Well With Having Just Gotten Off the Phone with Your Mother

The most recognized song about tequila is misleadingly jaunty...

Ha ha ha… “Craptain.”

Also, um… yeah. Thankfully I don’t have anxiety, but I am having a Thing this week.

Go away, Thing. No one likes you. 

(Except tequila. Tequila LOVES you. Evidently.)

Priorities, people.

Well, yeah, don't be silly -- we only care where Dennis Hastert's dick is if it's in the wrong restroom, not in a minor.

-- Via Twitter

Marky Mark can still finger me. But the Funky Bunch cannot help.

I saw this movie WAY too many times during my adolescence, and this is one of the greatest things I'll see today: Movie Yelling With Jaya and Matt: Fear.

"...The movie was described to me as 'Mark Wahlberg fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then he murders her dog...'"

"And like, I basically could not stop thinking this family is going to be FUCKED forever. Her little brother had to run over a guy to get keys off another dead guy to get a walkie talkie to call the cops! That’s a lot when you’re 10!"

"That ten year old had a DAY"

BWAH HA HA.

And yes, in hindsight, putting a guy's hand up my skirt on a roller coaster does not seem smart, not least because, yes, "there is NO WAY Mark’s fingernails aren’t busted as fuck." But hearing that Bush song totally still makes me wanna come on the Kingda Ka.

I'm not ashamed to say I went to Amazon to buy this movie after I read this, so I could watch it as a grownup, but it's $10, and fuck THAT. How YOU doin', Netflix?

P.S. "...And THAT’S WHY you don’t change the clock in dad’s office so you can stay out late getting fingered, honey. The moral really should be never get fingered on a roller coaster, though. That’s a terrible idea."
"Do Not Get Fingered At The Six Flags."
"The motto of the 90s."

Star-Kris-Krossed Love

Happy Valentine's Day, my loves. Have a splendid and safe day.

I'll be spending mine orally fixated on a trough of manicotti, and later making sweet, sweet love to an irresponsible number of Godiva salted caramels. (Candy-based promiscuity is the best promiscuity.)

See also: watching Friends with Benefits again, because Justin Timberlake singing Kris Kross is EVERYONE's Valentine.

Love and many kisses,
Smug  

Lazy Sunday snort laugh

"Sometimes feeling full of something is exactly what you need: be it wisdom, shit, dicks, or egg rolls."

OK, yeah, I'm in love with Brittany Gibbons. 

DYING

I beg you to read the full comic. I laughed so hard I cried.   

Re-blog: 35 Spot-On Tweets About Being A Woman

Via Distractify: 35 Spot-On Tweets About Being A Woman Guaranteed To Make You Laugh.

Some of these are funnier than anything I've said ever or WILL say ever in life.

Also, I can't wear rompers -- mostly because I don't romp, but also because my (FINE-ASS) body is just not intended to go into a grownup onesie.