Showing posts with label george carlin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label george carlin. Show all posts

Thursday, April 21, 2016

I feel as though the Asshole Ratio is pretty even here.

I understand this goes against my general "do unto others" philosophy -- I would NOT want this done to me. I feel bad about it, it's a dick move, and makes me a GIANT asshole.

We all on board? Excellent, 'cause I'm posting this screenshot of an OkCupid message, anyway. There's too much majesty in it to be confined by a mere retelling. You must behold the glory in its entirety.

Identifying information has been deleted/changed to protect the overly cheerful at 8:goddamn-13 in the morning.

Damn, that's a lot of emojis when you're 52. (Or any age, really. But 52 for sure.)

P.S. My profile mentions Carlin's seven dirty words, but just generally, gentlemen -- pro tip? Never lead with farts. I'm still a lady, fuckface.

JOE.jpg

Friday, April 1, 2016

10 Things I (Won't) Date About You

I'm going with a basic list for last night's date recap (Waffles Guy, date 2), because no storytelling would be better than just throwing it all out there:

1. He really likes Triumph the Insult Comic. He was surprised I didn't, because it's "such similar humor to George Carlin's." 

THAT is when I should've left. BUT...

2. He ordered Bud Light Lime. On purpose. And paid for it. With money.  

3. He mocked Rhonda Rousey for saying she was depressed after a loss, because "she just didn't get her way," and "male fighters would never say something like that -- they'd say, 'OK, I'll get back to the gym, work harder.'" 

So... You can't be depressed but ALSO plan to improve? But "that's not what a champion says."

He actually seemed pretty dismissive about mental health issues in general, which is odd because he works in a facility that treats addicts and people with psych issues. But fuck you, dude -- I'm only moderately crazy ("dysthymic," I believe is the word), and therapy and meds have helped me a lot. And I know at least two people who'd probably be dead if they hadn't sought help.

4. There's "gentleman," which I enjoy, and then there's repeatedly insisting I put your coat over my shoulders even when I've said I'm not cold. Dude, it's 65 degrees out, and I am a grown-ass woman who can determine when she needs a coat.

5. Related: While walking, he told me he was switching sides with me on the sidewalk so I wasn't walking closest to the street. 

I forgot that was a THING. 

I don't usually get feminist-tweaked until you start treating me like a child, and then suddenly you're staring down the barrel of 40 years of family issues. I know when I need a coat, and it's our second date, so... you're gonna, what, get hit by an out-of-control car so I don't? Way to volunteer as Tribute.

6. Discussing movies:
Him: "I never saw Lord of the Rings. Is that the one with the kid with the glasses?"
Me: *blink*"...No. That's Harry Potter."
Him:"Oh, right! I've never seen those movies, either."

I don't care if he didn't see them. But how the actual balls do you confuse the two?

7. He said Breaking Bad was "just OK," and that Better Call Saul is better. I hope someone gives you Stevia. (Kidding.)

8. Audible eater. (Of FOOD, shut up.)

9. While not as disgusting or graphic as I would've thought, hearing how diverticulitis presents in an adult male is still pretty boring.

10. When I asked if he was a Trump voter: "There are two things I don't talk about in public: religion and politics. One I know far too much about, one I know nothing about. I won't tell you which is which, but I will say I went to Catholic school for 12 years."

Wow. I am in awe of the enigma of you.

I realize some of this is just me being an asshole. But... I mean, the valid points are REALLY valid. (It also hit a lot of my big-issue nerves, but that's ME, not him, so I'll get into that later.)

P.S. I let him kiss me because I was still curious after he didn't on the first date, and I'll give him credit: Solid kiss, one hand around my waist, one hand in my hair. Good work, sir. A little too much moaning for me personally, but overall, good for you.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Um, no, YOU have a Giles fetish.

Seen in an OkCupid profile: "I am definitely a stereotypical academic in the sense that I love wearing corduroy blazers and holing up in ivory towers."

*blink* OMG. Take me, sir. Take me hard.

The only things we have in common are burritos, mushroom hatred, High Fidelity, and grammar, but let's be honest, I've based relationships on less. I dated a guy for 8 months because we could both quote George Carlin.

Plus, another of his favorite movies is Josie and the Pussycats, so he clearly also enjoys dumb, fluffy things.

Hello, Professor. I will be your dumb, fluffy thing.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Your plagiarism dries my panties.

A guy's OkCupid profile quoted Mitch Hedberg twice without attribution.

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source...

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source...

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source...

His profile says he's "inspired" by comedians. Um, no, dude, you're just stealing shit, and trying way too hard to be clever. I can FEEL the "Aren't I cute and clever?"* desperation emanating from his profile. (I know my own.)

*George Carlin, by the way.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Self-care

How to Care for Your Smug, page 17, section 6:

"In the event of a bad workday, allow your Smug to Ugly Cry alone, because she is emotionally stunted and can't cry in front of people.

"When she calms down, apply one steak burrito with extra dairy products, and an order of Wendy's fries with barbecue sauce. Repeat as needed. 

"If possible, sit your Smug down in front of any Shonda Rhimes show (new or old) with any vodka-based beverage(s). This is her cognitive behavioral therapy. (See also: "Dance it out.")

"Put Tipsy Smug to bed immediately with a George Carlin audiobook playing."