My memory is just fine, Facebook. THANKS.

You know those Facebook Memories where it shows you what you were doing on this day however many years ago?

The one I just saw might as well have said, "Ha ha, remember that time you were about to fuck up your whole life? MAN! Good times," and then punched me in the stomach.

Eat a dick, Facebook.

All things considered, my life has turned out pretty well, but damn -- between careers and homes and relationships and assholes, that was a lot of progress to process before I even finished my coffee. This probably explains why I'm so hesitant to change very much in those realms right now.

Unless Robert Downey Jr. calls. Then all bets are off. And so are my panties. (Joking. I would never have on underwear if I were anywhere NEAR Robert Downey Jr. I would always wear dresses and trampy nightgowns and go commando, so he could have a 24/7 all-access pass.)

Letting sleeping assholes lie.

This is probably a story that would've been more useful before Christmas, but maybe we can all carry the concept into the new year...

One of the best things my ex ever did for me was help me realize I shouldn't let it bother me when assholes behave like assholes.

Years ago, my aunt said something REALLY hurtful to me on Facebook. I was at work, and had to leave my office and call my ex to cry about it in the parking lot. (I rarely cry. It's one of many unhealthy points of pride. But she'd hit a nerve.)

And my ex said, "I don't understand why you're upset."

"Because she's horrible. Who would say that?"

"Well...an asshole would say that. You think she's a dick, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Do you value her opinion? Do you want your life to be like hers?"

"No. She's awful."

"So why are you upset about what an awful person thinks? She's an asshole. Why are you letting an asshole make you cry?"

"...Well, shit...You are absolutely...goddamn right..."

I was fine for years after that, but recently had a wonky emotional time in which I was letting her get to me again. It helps so much to keep that conversation in mind -- how obvious it seemed, what a glorious turning point it was for me to finally see it, and also to know other people see it, too. It helped a LOT this past Christmas.

You go ahead and make your snide little comments, dearie. I don't know what made you such a miserable jag, what made you so unhappy with your life, but you're damn sure in no position to judge mine.

Namaste. Bitch.

Lessons from The Great Pumpkin

Charlie Brown really was "friends" with mostly assholes.

Linus just learned not to fuck with a woman and her candy. 

Sally, meanwhile, got her first bit of tragic foreshadowing re: men disappointing her.

"Boys will be assholes"

Taken from the A Mighty Girl Facebook page:  

I always thought "boys will be boys" referred to more innocuous stuff like, I don't know, leaving socks on the floor or citing sports stats. 

When used to laugh off harassment, it shifts to the "don't be a dick" philosophy. I'm not trying to take away your manhood, I swear. I WANT you to be all grunty and take me. Just...you know, try to be cool about it. You're not getting to "grunty" without basic decency (my entire 2013 notwithstanding). 

Animal urges aside, we're humans, not apes. We deserve and should expect better. Not just women, but HUMANS -- don't be an asshole.