Fighting crime in dainty underthings and fuck-me boots

I wore knee-high boots and no pants (a dress) today, which means I've spent much of my day thus far pretending to be Wonder Woman.

Dressing for (Begrudging, Sexless) Success

Two friends took me shopping the other day because I am SHIT at dressing myself, and they advised me to (ie, made me) try on this dress.

"I look like I'm wearing an Amish person's pillowcase!"
"You look amazing, shut up. You're buying this dress, deal with it."

I wore it to work today and have been complimented multiple times -- all by women. Even if logic says it's POSSIBLE every straight dude in this building wants to bend me over their desk and plant their dicks under the dress like you'd plant a flag on a newly discovered planet, but can't say so because it's a workplace, I maintain that it's because I look square and sexless.

But it's basically a giant t-shirt, so whatever. It's better than wearing pants. And I definitely have...let's say "a lot more invested in the dress" than the model.

In which I'm pretty sure I'm happier than a model.

I bought this dress to wear to a concert, and I only just noticed the look on the model's face: "Ohhhh, I'm a model, my life is so hard. I am thin and pretty and fabulous so I have bitchface all the time..." 

Dude. I'm not telling you to smile or anything, but... goddamn, maybe look LESS over your life in this garment? Who let this photo be THE one?

(I will look happier wearing it, because Anna Nalick shall be before me, gracing me with all her splendor.)

Also, it's Vera Wang (for Kohl's), so... Wang. Tee hee. (Not gonna lie, that influenced my purchase a teeeeeny bit.)

Miranda Lambert is my new BFF

a) This is basically how I imagine myself looking and sounding when I sing this song in my car. (Delusions of WHAT, now?) 

b) I am going to need that dress, like, IMMEDIATELY. Damn, girl -- HIPS. Let's be BFFs and share clothes. I would wear the similar hell out of that. 

c) Now that they're divorcing, can I also bang Blake Shelton?

Bass > Treble

Email to friends:

"Sad: This dress used to be loose on me, but since I've gained weight it's tighter now.

"Happy: It actually looks pretty fuckin' bangin' with a little more body in it."

#NoTreble