Fresh Off the NOPE

First message on OkCupid: "So out of all the people who message you how many would you say are asian?"

*blink* Uh...

It's FROM an Asian guy, but still, what a strange first question. Am I supposed to respond with a number? That'd be pretty fucked up -- I'm pretty sure it's not cool to track the number of people from any given race who've messaged me. Plus, I don't have time to be racist. It seems exhausting to divvy up my misanthropy into groups.

Also, you probably meant "what percentage." If I said none of them have been Asian, but I've only had three guys message me in total, that's not really statistically significant.

...Aaand now you've just forced me into heckling an Asian person about math. Thanks, now I AM a racist. Dick.

Mirror mirror...

I see a lot of guys on OkCupid who use selfies as profile pics. Sometimes mirror ones. Often the mirror is dirty.

I have questions.

First, don't you own Windex? Vinegar? A ShamWow? I can't get naked in your home if your mirror is all bedaubed with toothpaste remnants. I'm a lady, dammit. Plus it'll turn into that "Big Bang Theory" episode where Sheldon can't sleep because Penny's apartment is messy: "I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room, and just outside our living room is that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway is...THIS!" And I am damn sure not cleaning while you sleep.

Second, don't you have ANY photos someone else took? Do you have friends? Only two of my six profile pics are selfies: a really cute one taken post-haircut/color, and one mirror one I took after work so I'd have a really recent pic. The caption says: "With apologies for the mirror selfie, this is what I look like after work." (Not at all true -- after work I put on yoga pants and put my hair in a ponytail. But I'll never let any of these dudes see that.)

Some guys have like 10 selfies, but only ONE facial expression, so it's like Flat Stanley or the Twilight chick -- the same face in various settings. "Here I am at home. Here I am at work. Here I am in a bar. Here I am in a PUBLIC restroom mirror, just for a bit of added class. That's right, ladies... Behold."

Fat-phobic or fat fetishist?

I woke up to a photo-less OkCupid guy's FIRST message to me: 

"Hey...Would you be willing to gain a little weight to please your man if you were in a committed relationship?
-- Steve"

Well, Steve. First off, thanks for the flashback to that "Family Guy" episode where Peter stuffs cake down Lois's gullet because he decides "fat sex is the hottest sex."

But also, my OKC profile includes photos of my already-weighing-quite-enough body, because men love asking if "curvy" is code for "obese," so I like to just get my mere "overweight" out there up-front.

So I can't decide if Steve wants me bigger than I am because he wants more to love? Or maybe he wants me to say obesity is disgusting and that I am a superior, health-minded individual who would never fall prey to The Fats?

I have so many questions, Steve.

Introducing the new 2016 Chevy Hypocrite...

I don't get into politics here, or anywhere, really, because political discourse makes me anxious, even when I agree. But I saw this earlier on a truck in front of me at a red light, and I need to swear about it, and it's not actually about POLITICS, per se -- it's about misrepresented patriotism, and I think my bewildered inquiries are funny. So...disclaimed enough?

Right then.  

In case the photo is too blurry, it reads: "In Loving Memory of USA, July 4, 1776 - Nov. 4, 2008. R.I.P."

I have questions.

So, if your candidate of choice gets elected next year, does America get resurrected? Are we a zombie? Are we Jesus? OMFG, are we Zombie Jesus?

Once Obama is out, do we start all over with calendars, like a BC/AD changeover? BO/AO?

Why and how did the country die, EXACTLY? Pull over, let's chat. I really want to hear you to articulate it. 

And if we ARE dead, how are YOU still here? Reverse rapture? Shouldn't you be in a Kimmy-Schmidt-style bunker somewhere, eating freeze-dried jerky and waiting out this supposed apocalypse? 

If you really think the election of some dude you don't agree with is reason to MOURN AMERICA, then you clearly don't think as much of your country as you're purporting to. There's not one of these fuckers who could get elected that would compel me to put that dumbass shit on my car.

See also: go fuck yourself, and the depreciated resale value of your stupid car. Which, by the way, was a fucking CHEVY, which, according to your theory, as an American-made car, would've died in '08 as well (ahem, especially without an auto bailout...) so maybe go get a Hyundai if you're gonna weep for America, shitdick. (Or, hell, at least a Ford.)