Family, Food, Facebook, Fat, Fuck.

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I need to see your face before I sit on it.

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I've been digitally Naked Manned

First message from a man on OkCupid whose only profile photo is a bathroom mirror selfie... of his butt-naked body with his penis obscured by a Photoshopped flesh-colored oval: "You have really nice photos! Very pretty and cute, and sexy! I just wanted to tell you that and yes I meant what I said. I hope you dont get mad but your photos turn me on so much."

I'm confused. Why would I think you didn't mean it? Of course you meant it -- you're trying to put parts of you into parts of me. It would hurt your cause to be like, "You're hideous and make my dick soft."

Besides, I KNOW my photos are cute -- that's why they're my photos.

Your naked body isn't bad to look at, sir. Thanks for that. Let us retreat to our respective spank banks and call it a day.

I need. To see. Your FACE.

Honestly, I MIGHT have sex with you! But you need to have a face! I can't know if I'll want to kiss your dick if I can't tell if I'd kiss your face.

Get a face.

P.S. I'm a little embarrassed at how long it took me to realize his message could easily be copy/pasted and sent to a million other women. I'll give him credit for that. And for his body, because JAY-sus -- dude has a better curve on his ass than I do on mine.

A man with no face validates mine.

First OkCupid message: "Hi smug, how r u? U r so gorgeous"

Well, look at you, answering your own question! I'm "so gorgeous," is how I am. See, you don't need me! You just need to believe in yourself! Good for youuuuu!

He has no photos, and as a general policy I don't reply to men with no face. You're on a dating site. If you're too dumb to know your face might be important, too lazy to upload at least ONE photo (or to type two the extra letters to make REAL words), and so selfish that you're clearly talking to me on the basis of MY photos because "gorgeous" is all you had to say...

*deep breath*

No.

Judge not, lest ye be an asshole

One of my OkCupid photos was taken in a pin-up-inspired boutique I went to with friends. I tried on a dress that fit better than any glove, accentuated all my best bits, and looked STUPID-good. But I couldn't rationalize spending $130 on it, so I asked my friends take a photo. 

I added the pic to OKC, captioned: "Taken in a fitting room. I didn't buy the dress. Because I am an idiot." 

Today I get a first OKC message from a guy saying, "Yes you should have bought that dress..." That's the whole message. 

I go to his profile, because he's attractive enough, and his FIRST sentence is, "Only thing that seems to matter is how one looks on here." 

Oh, OK, so you're saying you don't like being judged only on appearance? So despite my completely-filled-in profile with many non-appearance-related conversation starters, you went with...commenting only on my appearance?

You do that math, dearie. I'll wait...

And dammit, I SHOULD have bought that dress. I can't even believe that's my body -- I am cute as fuck.

P.S. He sent a followup message 20 minutes later, saying, "That was a compliment. .. you're gorgeous. ... "

Um, I KNOW it was a compliment, or at least I know that's what you were going for. Do you think I'm too pretty to know how words work? Do I owe you a "thank you?" Go fuck yourself with your ellipses, and why the SHIT are you ALSO using periods? That's not how any of this works! 

*pant* *pant* *pant*

...Ahem. What mood swing?

Mirror mirror...

I see a lot of guys on OkCupid who use selfies as profile pics. Sometimes mirror ones. Often the mirror is dirty.

I have questions.

First, don't you own Windex? Vinegar? A ShamWow? I can't get naked in your home if your mirror is all bedaubed with toothpaste remnants. I'm a lady, dammit. Plus it'll turn into that "Big Bang Theory" episode where Sheldon can't sleep because Penny's apartment is messy: "I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room, and just outside our living room is that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway is...THIS!" And I am damn sure not cleaning while you sleep.

Second, don't you have ANY photos someone else took? Do you have friends? Only two of my six profile pics are selfies: a really cute one taken post-haircut/color, and one mirror one I took after work so I'd have a really recent pic. The caption says: "With apologies for the mirror selfie, this is what I look like after work." (Not at all true -- after work I put on yoga pants and put my hair in a ponytail. But I'll never let any of these dudes see that.)

Some guys have like 10 selfies, but only ONE facial expression, so it's like Flat Stanley or the Twilight chick -- the same face in various settings. "Here I am at home. Here I am at work. Here I am in a bar. Here I am in a PUBLIC restroom mirror, just for a bit of added class. That's right, ladies... Behold."

Popular. I'm gonna be pop-uuu-lar...

I filled out the wordy bits of the OkCupid profile first, no photos. 

When I added pics, in the 10 minutes it took to arrange them, I got something like 18 "likes." 

Pfft. I'm adorable. 

P.S. A half hour later, four intro messages, one from a faceless stranger who called me "beautiful" and added "take it anyway you want." 

#BasicallyGisele 

Is there another way I could take "beautiful?" Do I have less of a command on English than I give myself credit for? I guess it could mean, "I want to put my parts in your parts, and I assume calling you 'beautiful' will help. I smell the needy." Oh, wait! Did you mean I should take your dick "anyway" I want? Yeah, that's how I'm gonna interpret that.

P.P.S. The end of my self-summary: "I don't take this site seriously enough to pay for it, so if you 'liked' my profile, I can't see it, sorry! (But at least I'll be able to tell who actually reads the profile and who's just hot for impish eyes on a bottle-blonde.)"

From the department of Legs for Days...

Via Amy Schumer's Facebook page -- damn, girl, GET IT.

Her legs look longer than my body.

Damn, girl...

There's a Justin Timberlake song called "Damn, Girl" in which the first lyrics are just him repeating, "Damn, girl; damn, girl; damn, girl; damn, girl; damn..."

I'm not coveting her in a naked way, but... damn, girl.

She's my body-image hero. I want us to have amazing boobs and that sweet waist curve and go shoot arrows together.

I ❤️ NY.

#SmugTakesManhattan  

Don't trust that pizza. You in danger, girl.

This is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen. This woman is my new spirit animal.

But I need to go to Canada and show her what real pizza -- and thus true love -- is. That pizza doesn't love you, Nicole. That pizza will betray you.

P.S. I didn't even notice it said "shero," because it was just too gloriously much at first, but really, that shit needs to stop. She's a hero. That's the word. Knock it off.