OK, I'm pretty sure your wife doesn't know she's IN the "open marriage" you list on OkCupid if your profile reads: "Married guy with a Wife that's interested in sex as she is in taking out the trash. Need someone I can connect with."
And then under OKC's fill-in-the-blank prompt of, "I spend a lot of time thinking about," he writes, "I future with someone who appreciates me more."
Wow... Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jesus, dude. Maybe take four seconds and spin that into something a little less angry and tragic? You need a publicist. And a proofreader.
I may have to cancel my other date, because as it turns out, I may not be sexually frustrated ENOUGH to hook up with an open-married man with herpes simplex 1 (the cold sore kind).
Womp, womp.
I'm actually bummed about this. He was my first online dating spark and I was looking forward to meeting, kissing, and eventually sleeping with him. Understand how MUCH I was looking forward to it, because I'm actually debating, "What are the odds I already have/will get this?"If this were any other guy, it'd be a Fadeaway tout suite. But Dude was willing to go out to dinner with me, fuck me, then LEAVE, and he's not an idiot. THAT'S THE DREAM.
Obviously I'm glad he told me, and I'm going to get my own full STI screen. Who the hell knows, maybe I already have it -- you can get it a million different (non-sexual) ways and never show symptoms. If I DO...well, the bright side is that sex is on. But if I don't, I don't want to go through the rest of my life disclosing this to potential partners and boyfriends because I had casual sex with a married guy.
It's interesting: I polled a few friends about this and got divided responses. Some people said, "Eh. No big deal, everyone has it," and others were like, "No. That's some soulmate shit, not something you want to get from a married fling."
One friend said I was "Chandlering," a nod to Chandler Bing from Friends, who used reasons like "mascara goop" and giant heads as excuses not to date women because he was afraid. I AM afraid, but truly believe I haven't rejected anyone for the male equivalent of "mascara goop." I'm waiting for a decent bit of chemistry, someone worth shaving my legs for, and genuinely haven't had it until now. Also, Chandler's romantic issues ended with one of the top 5 best marriage proposals in TV history, so if I AM Chandler, I'll take it.
In researching this, I've learned a lot of places don't screen for herpes as part of a routine STI test -- you can add it to the standard test, or you can test for it separately. So I've had "an STI test," but I think the woman said those screen only for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV. So... "The more you know... *brrrrring*"
I've also learned that Googling "herpes" will make you never want to have sex again, and that getting tested for STIs is a tremendous pain in the balls: my insurance won't cover testing at Planned Parenthood, and I can't get a gyno appointment until April. Can't they add this to CVS's Minute Clinic services? It seems pretty important.
Also, it is not at all weird that my personal Facebook, not connected to OkCupid in any way, suggested I add Hot Married Guy as a friend. But damn, he's cute... Goddammit...
Dude, what the shit is wrong with you?! That girl is, like, 12 years old* and a floppity bajillionaire megastar. Who gives one iota of one kitten's dick if she's not married? Jesus. You leave Katniss alone, Diane Sawyer!
"...This whole year of, ‘Who am I without these movies? Who am I without this man?'" Girl, preach. Let's get together and have coffee and braid each other's hair. We'll talk.
Speaking of hair, I should probably call my hairdresser right now and warn her that once I see Joy, I'm also going to hack my hair off with some raggedy scissors and then have her fix it. It seems fun and cathartic. Or I'm just a crazy celebrity copycat.
* OK, fine, she's 25 -- same difference. Clearly a spinster. Christ, I need more cats -- I'm totally behind here.
Dude, what the shit is wrong with you?! That girl is, like, 12 years old* and a floppity bajillionaire megastar. Who gives one iota of one dick if she's not married? Jesus. You leave Katniss alone, Diane Sawyer!
"...This whole year of, ‘Who am I without these movies? Who am I without this man?'" Girl, preach. Let's get together and have coffee and braid each other's hair. We'll talk.
Speaking of hair, I should probably call my hairdresser right now and warn her that once I see Joy, I'm also going to hack my hair off with some raggedy scissors and then have her fix it. It seems fun and cathartic. Or I'm just a crazy celebrity copycat.
* OK, fine, she's 25 -- same difference. Clearly a spinster. Christ, I need more cats -- I'm totally behind here.
Fancy spa services for two?! Query, though: What kind of spa treatments can you give my life partner, Johnnie Walker? I mean, I'll bring him, I just have questions.
And my "idyllic wedding venue?" So...there's a courthouse inside your hotel? And Stephen Colbert is my officiant? And then there's a dance floor my besties and I can tear up? And then pancakes after? Nice! Let's do this!
