I just realized turning down a second date (Elbows Guy asked) is completely outside my skill set. Apparently even with someone I don't think likes me very much, what with my hideous dry elbow skin and my terrible grammar and my relationship projection issues. Wait, why DOES he want a second date? I must be an amazing kisser. [/ego trip]
Have I REALLY never done this before? If I have, it's been about 13 years. And why do I care about being polite?
I'm trying not to be a big, fat coward who does The Fadeaway, but it's hard to argue its lifelong proven efficacy. And I don't want to bitch out and say I met someone else. Even if it would make it easier, it's not true.
"I'm going to pass on a second outing. I had a nice time until I realized I don't like you. And you don't like ME apart from my shortness, the fondling, and your superiority. I don't want to waste our time or my makeup, and I certainly don’t want to get your douche all over me, you Summer Rain motherfucker…”
It's freezing in my office today, and my hands are particularly cold. So I've been sitting with my left hand between my thighs while my right hand works the mouse (not a euphemism).
But I AM also bopping along to shitty pop music. With my hand between my legs.
I am a professional.
Also, though...I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't feel BAD. But it's really just to warm my hands.
I was looking for a different Garfunkel & Oates video for a later post, but I saw this in the YouTube sidebar so I'm sharing it first.
I've posted this before, but it's been a while, and it's always worth hearing again. But also, I HAVE in fact gotten that drunk text at 3 in the morning, and it was indeed "SO close, but not quite there."
Last night I went to Margaret Atwood's booksigning at the Philly Free Library. Look at me, all feminist and intellectual and shit. Classy as fuck, right?
Um, yeah, leading up to the event, I was having this hilar-balls group text with friends...
Friend 1: "What kind of classes should I teach at the sex boutique besides oral sex?" Friend 2: "Something about body confidence in the bedroom? Toys, why to use them, different ways to incorporate them."
Me: "Confidence for sure. Maybe consent? Intro BDSM? Handjob Blandjob?" Friend 1: "I'm the WORST at handjobs!" Me: "That's because they're not a real thing." Friend 1: "That's shit you do on your own. I'll never be as good." Me: "Right? I hired you to use your mouth. I HAVE hands." Friend 1: "I could probably teach a class about how to incorporate toys into coupled sex." Me: "Yes. Because I have no idea. Well, wait... There was that one time. But nothing I did with that asshole counts. (To be clear, I did nothing to his asshole. He was just a shithead who brought a toy.)" Friend 2: "I like giving handjobs...but only if they don't take forever." Friend 1: "I'm terrible at them, hate doing them, always have, always will." Me: "I like a happy man who's not looking to put things in my butt. If he needs a handjob, I'll DO it, but I just feel like I could be more useful." Friend 2: "Agreed, but sometimes my knees are sore and I need to change it up. (Sorry, is this too much?)" Me: "Yes, we clearly have a "too much" threshold. :) Also, my hands and wrists are FUCKED from phone/computer use, so handjobs hurt, AND I'm bad at them." Friend 1: "Handjobs take forever. At least with a blowjob I can incorporate my hands to give my mouth a rest. I'm hardly ever on my knees. I just move around if I'm uncomfortable." Friend 2: "Eh, sometimes they take forever, sometimes not. And I prefer BJs, and prefer my knees (good angle for all involved)." Me: "Anyone else really want dick now? (Now, see, THAT's too much.)" Friend 2: "I do. Husband should thank you both. (I see your 'too much' and raise you.)" Me: "Ha! You're welcome, Husband." Friend 1: "Boyfriend will also be benefiting from this conversation." Me: "Meanwhile, I'm at a feminist booksigning. No dick in sight." Friend 2: "Maybe there will be literary dick?" Me: "Heh. Maybe. Or bar dick afterward."
