I don't know what you talk to YOUR friends about...

Discussing life with a very pregnant ladyfriend:

Her: "We still have 10 days to go. The baby seems content to stay there forever, so who knows. Someday, I won't be pregnant. So they tell me. It's weird. Everywhere I go I'm like, 'I could go into labor RIGHT NOW and that would be acceptable. Like, the baby would be fine.' Pregnancy is a total mindfuck (brought about by an actual fuck, I suppose, haha)."

Me: "That really IS a mindfuck, now that I think about it. 'Cause eventually the kid just decides,, 'Aaand my work in this womb is done. Comin' at ya, Ma! Wheeeeee!' And then she swims down like Nemo, and that 'Y'all Ready for This?' song plays like it's a sports game."

Her: "OMG, I wish 'Y'all Ready for This' would play whenever anyone went into labor. Vaginas should come equipped with that pre-recorded. Also could be useful during sex?"

Me: "I'm not sure how it would work, science-ly, but I would Kickstart the shit out of technology that would enable my vagina to welcome its visiting team with a jaunty tune. Vaginal Jock Jams. Yes. Shut up and take my money."

My friendship with Internet science is decidedly NOT magic

Well. That is excellent.

I mean, I already knew, from that clusterfuck with That Guy and a few experiences since -- I'm going through one now, actually. I am clearly a shit judge of friendship, but knowing there's science afoot doesn't make it any less depressing.

Thanks, Internet. You are NOT my friend. At least I know that.

Sad Study Shows Most of Your Friends Don’t Actually Like You

A vast improvement on the scientific method

One of my OkCupid matches is a guy whose username is 12inchistoobig.* His profile says he chose the name because yes, it IS, and it's been an issue for him sexually when the woman can't take it. So he wants to warn us villagers up front.

He says he'll prove he's actually that big, which I suppose would be a fairly straightforward Exhibit A.

But then he says, before things get too involved, he also wants proof the woman can handle it, and the proof would be "they make toys in that size." I'm not sure how that would go, exactly... Skype? FaceTime? Do you buy the toy, or is it a BYOBC situation?** If I'm comfortable enough to try a toy in your presence, we've gotten pretty close, so I should probably just try your dick, no?

Now, none of MY toys are that big -- standard size gets the job done just fine.

So, no, Dirk Diggler, I don't know if I COULD handle it, but...I mean...I feel like we should try. For research. I like science. Do you like science? We should science.

P.S. I'm...98% sure he's full of shit. I just like to write long penis posts. 

*Not his real username.
** There's a "five-dollar footlong" joke there somewhere, but I'm tired, and Jared ruined all Subway humor.

This is America. Medicate me.

I'm on medications to even out my mood, give me an attention span, prevent OkCupid babies, and control my heinous allergies.

There are, what, 4,000 erectile dysfunction drugs now?

I think there's one for a particular form of exhaustion you get from shift work.

They debated putting me on a drug that fixes ADHD and binge eating disorder, which... damn, I still want that drug.

So, really, you can't create a drug that will make me feel LESS like my period might actually kill me? One that keeps me from waking up weeping for no reason? (OK, there was a reason, but not a logical one.) Could you, like, get on that, Science? Or could I just get sent to the edge of the village or whatever?

I know there's stuff they can finagle for PMDD. I'm mostly kidding.

Related: the weather in Philly right now can kiss my dick. I checked the forecast and it just said, "Your mood is fucked until Sunday." That's what I saw, anyway. It's possible it just said it'll be cloudy and rainy.

Sorry, Folgers: Happy lady parts are a far better part of waking up.

Via HelloGiggles: This alarm clock wakes you up with an orgasm.

In the immortal words of Elle Woods, "Excuse me. I have some shopping to do."

And in the words of the friend who sent this to me, "I don't see how it would prevent me from falling back asleep."

Truth. Orgasms are how I GET to sleep half the time.

Still, we agree we should try it for research. For SCIENCE. FOR THE SISTERHOOD.