Wax on, whacks off

Re: @yvettestjames blowjob class: "I already knew HOW, but it's like knowing how to fight & then getting a chance to train with Mr. Miyagi."

Better living through blowjobs

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Growing and blowing

Tonight I'm going to learn how to put a condom on a banana using my mouth. So... My Friday night is probably gonna be different than most. 

"How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?"

P.M.S. P.S.

The P.S. on an email to friends about all my special feeeeelings:

"I'm also menstruating, so kindly accept this grain of salt. Just a grain, though -- I'll bite your goddamn hand off if you take my salt."

"Fuck you. Fuck you very, very muuuch..."

Earlier I wondered if I'm walking around all Bitchface McIrritable at work today because I have PMS.

And then I saw this, got viciously angry, then weepy-sad, so... that answers that.

My body image has been hovering around decent lately, so I'm pissed this got to me, but Christ, this is what *I* look like, just shorter. People are fucking awful.

But then...Hm, I still think she's hot, so I must be hot, too.

Right, then. Done and done. Good work, Brain.

Via E! Online and Hateful Fuckers Everywhere: Amy Schumer Slams Haters After Beach Body Criticism, Says She Looks ''Strong and Healthy''

My name is NO.

Dispatches from the Department of Refusing to Believe an OkCupid Profile is Real...

"Hi there my name is shane i would like to ask you an intriguing and unique idea as long as your an open minded person and don't mind a thinking outside the box type of idea"

This is not a thing a grown-ass human man wrote. *shaking head* Nope. NOOOPE.

I'm about to go high-five this woman's vagina.

I was debating what to post today but couldn't decide. And that was CLEARLY because the Lord Baby Jesus knew I'd see this 5 minutes later and laugh so hard my stomach hurt:

"Jesus be a fence around this baby’s mother’s Love Pocket. May it recover, in His MIGHTY name. I IMMEJATELY started doing kegels upon seeing the picture because I got stressed by proxy."

"This baby walked out of his mothers vagina with a career and bills."

"...My uterus just put up a 'closed forever' sign when I read this. Any eggs that were left over just scrambled themselves to save my poor lady bits from that type of destruction. I’ll be over in the corner with my legs crossed thinking about ice packs and Percocet."

P.S. I am aware I'm a bad person. But some of the comments are so, SO funny.

Via Awesomely Luvvie: Whose Precious Giant Newborn is This?

Fresh Off the NOPE

First message on OkCupid: "So out of all the people who message you how many would you say are asian?"

*blink* Uh...

It's FROM an Asian guy, but still, what a strange first question. Am I supposed to respond with a number? That'd be pretty fucked up -- I'm pretty sure it's not cool to track the number of people from any given race who've messaged me. Plus, I don't have time to be racist. It seems exhausting to divvy up my misanthropy into groups.

Also, you probably meant "what percentage." If I said none of them have been Asian, but I've only had three guys message me in total, that's not really statistically significant.

...Aaand now you've just forced me into heckling an Asian person about math. Thanks, now I AM a racist. Dick.

Gonna take it right into my danger zone...

Another fun and informative class at Kink Shoppe with Yvette St. James -- toys and apps and lubes, oh my! More classes to come! (Heh.)

Also, many thanks to the Kink staff for filling me in (tee hee) on the features of my next life investment...

 

Graham Slams

I know I'm basically obsessed with Ashley Graham at this point, but... but...

C'mon, y'all, godDAMN.

Notes to self: 
-- Obtain first bikini
-- Go to beach
-- FLAUNT

Semi-approval from a porn fiend's semi

From the Department of Things Normal People Just Know But I Had to Learn by Having My Day Ruined*: Don't read online comments, SPECIFICALLY the ones on porn featuring women of a similar size/shape to you.

"Not bad for a chubby chick," says some 45-year-old serial masturbator in his mother's basement. 

If I ever write a book, I want "Not bad for a chubby chick" to be the review blurb on the cover. Wait, actually...yeah, that'll be the title. 

If I may borrow from a Chris Rock bit: "Yeah, I got a gut -- there's some good pussy under this gut." Can you say the same about your dick, Rando Calrissian?

* Kidding -- my day can't really be ruined by people who comment on porn.

So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean...They're basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they'll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal

Looks and books

I just finished reading a book called Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls, and the author, Jes Baker, points out that you rarely see "larger" women paired with thinner men in advertising or pop culture. I hadn't really noticed that before, but...yeah.

Generally, I'm not attracted to men who weigh less than I do. That may well be years of indoctrinated body anxiety, but I don't want to look like I ATE my Person. Logically I know it's not true, but I feel like I'd break a thinner man in half -- I want a dude who looks like he can TAKE me, even if, again, I understand a thinner man could.

But this? Her? Jonas? HAWT. GET IT, GIRL.

 

#worship

(BTW, a friend recently told me she didn't know I had Goodreads, so here's the link if you feel the need to follow me on yet another thing.)

Watch Joe Jonas and Ashley Graham Make Out on the Set of His New Music Video

Oh, good, so it's not just me.

I bet eating a dick wouldn't make me feel sluggish.

Me: "Google! Which foods can make one feel sluggish and puffy?"
Google: "Every food that brings you joy."

*sigh*

Eat a dick, Google.

My kid would be such an asshole...

Emailing a pregnant friend:

"You have that Babies 'R' Us Frequent Breeder card or whatever it is, right? That card that gives you fetus points?"

(Again, why I'm not allowed to have kids.)

"Go on, take the money and run."

Wait, what? There's a woman shaped like me on a magazine cover? A fitness magazine cover?

The hell? Is that even legal? Holy shit, is the world ending?

I'd already been feeling fairly decent about my body lately...but THIS?

Damn, I'm an American woman whose self-esteem seems to be hovering around normal -- someone better send out a rep from Corprate to shut that shit down.

That's probably why there are ads inside the magazine, just to remind me that I am, in fact, too big for my britches.

The Berenstain Bears and the Illiterate Cheesemonger

Conundrum: An otherwise fine, fairly attractive man on OkCupid sent me a message, but under the "favorite books" prompt in his profile, he just wrote, "I'm not into books."

Ordinarily, immediate grounds for dismissal: "If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them."

BUT...He works with specialty cheeses.

You GUYS. What if he's a cheeseMONGER?!

To his credit, among other things, his message said, "I'll start reading one now if it will help."

Well played, Cheese Guy.

Also, yes, it would help: War and Peace, please. Make it snappy.

This particular cycle just got a little less vicious.

My mother, re: a woman on TV: 
"She shouldn't even be wearing that dress, because look at it around her chest, it's pulling."

Moments later:
"I would never buy that because it has horizontal stripes."
"Some people like that, Mom."
"Pfft. Skinny people..."

This is where I came from, you guys. I swear it's a fucking miracle I can even leave my house.

Thankfully I have better influences now, though, because even in tight-around-my-chest horizontal stripes, my pudgy ass is adorable.

Time does NOT heal all axe wounds

I'm a big believer in time healing all wounds when it comes to relationshits. 

But no one mentions how time can also phantom-cockblock you when you discover too late in the proceedings that one of your favorite go-to, Old Faithful masturbation fantasies -- the ones you rely on to get you there repeatedly and thoroughly when you can't quite close on your own -- doesn't...fucking...WORK anymore. (This one involved That Guy, but SHUT UP, my clitoris was always happy!) 

Personal growth is bullshit. The bulliest shit there is. (Joking. I just wish I could've somehow gotten the orgasm BEFORE the epiphany.)

BRB, changing my OkCupid profile to say my vagina is now accepting Tribute volunteers. #StuntedSingleton

My office is my meat market.

I love walking past tall, attractive men at work and knowing that, particularly from their vantage point, my cleavage is on point today.

At least he didn't say I'm "a full-on Monet."

First OkCupid message from a 19-year-old: "If a thousand painters from the last 200,000 years got together and decided to paint a picture, their creation wouldn't be as beautiful as you!" 

Wow...I guess it's better than just "hi"? 

Actually, with that many painters working on it, that painting would probably be pretty busted, so it probably WOULDN'T be as pretty as I am. I don't think I'm "beautiful," but I'm probably cuter than Picasso and Renoir getting into a slapfight while Jackson Pollock just goes batshit and sloshes around on the canvas. So points to you, Toddler.

Putting the "men" in "entitlement."

A 27-year-old on OkCupid sent me an intro message the other night, and I wasn't interested, so I deleted it without responding.

This morning he sent a followup message: "You're too pretty to give up on. I'm very persistent!"

Sweetie? This brand of "persistence" does not end with you getting the girl. Please don't make me get all J. Lo in Enough -- no one needs to see my midriff, I'm too lazy to learn boxing, and I would look absurd with that haircut. So maybe just quit being a dick.

I've also noticed many profiles that say things like, "If I send you a message, it's rude to just ignore it and leave me wondering. The least you can do is write back to say you're not interested." Um, no, actually. The LEAST I can do is ignore you. It's one click to delete a message. Writing you back adds the effort of keystrokes, so... that's more I'd have to do, not least. See how words work?

And boo hoo, a stranger finds me "rude?" Not polite and acquiescent like a proper lady should be? I'm sad. No, really. This is my sad face.

If a guy doesn't respond to my message within a day or two, I don't wonder -- he's not interested.

Via Body For Wife: She Doesn't Owe You Shit

Mo' mommy, mo' problems.

Bwah ha ha... "Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine."

My personal recent Mom favorites:

• "That's a great length for a shirt. It covers your butt."
• "This totally-the-opposite-of-your-hair color/style would look great on you!"
• "If you were going to have kids with anyone, I'd want you to have them with [Ex], because he's smart." (<-- That one was 3 weeks ago. We broke up 3 years ago.)

Cheers, y'all!

Via Reductress: 6 Wines that Pair Well With Having Just Gotten Off the Phone with Your Mother

I guess Autocorrect got a thesaurus feature...

What I was trying to text to a friend: "I would have to punch you in the nuts."

How Autocorrect tried to help when I typed too fast: "I would have to punch you in the bird."

Then: "I would have to punch you in the bits."

I mean... both of those DO work, even if "bird" is one I've only ever heard my grandfather use. Way to have my back, Autocorrect.

My friendship with Internet science is decidedly NOT magic

Well. That is excellent.

I mean, I already knew, from that clusterfuck with That Guy and a few experiences since -- I'm going through one now, actually. I am clearly a shit judge of friendship, but knowing there's science afoot doesn't make it any less depressing.

Thanks, Internet. You are NOT my friend. At least I know that.

Sad Study Shows Most of Your Friends Don’t Actually Like You

Word to ya Moms

I debated being a jackass and posting that I'll be spending Mother's Day making it rain disposable, childless income on fancy brunch cocktails and new Lush products. And, don't get me wrong, that IS what I'm doing today.

But also: Serious, non-snarky props to all my mom friends. I hate most children because I hate most people, but your kids are the best because YOU'RE the best. So thanks for raising a new generation of non-assholes. 'Cause we all know if *I* were the one endeavoring to "teach them well and let them lead the way," my kid would be a complete dick -- he'd be late for school every day and have unexplained Cheetos in his unwashed hair. 

So, as for us fruitless non-multipliers... Y'all wanna go get hammered at noon and then go buy some motherfuckin' high-end soaps? 

WE RIDE!

Not today, Satan.

Can someone please come exorcise this weepy bitch from my brain? I'm not sure how she got here, but she's kind of an asshole. 

A vast improvement on the scientific method

One of my OkCupid matches is a guy whose username is 12inchistoobig.* His profile says he chose the name because yes, it IS, and it's been an issue for him sexually when the woman can't take it. So he wants to warn us villagers up front.

He says he'll prove he's actually that big, which I suppose would be a fairly straightforward Exhibit A.

But then he says, before things get too involved, he also wants proof the woman can handle it, and the proof would be "they make toys in that size." I'm not sure how that would go, exactly... Skype? FaceTime? Do you buy the toy, or is it a BYOBC situation?** If I'm comfortable enough to try a toy in your presence, we've gotten pretty close, so I should probably just try your dick, no?

Now, none of MY toys are that big -- standard size gets the job done just fine.

So, no, Dirk Diggler, I don't know if I COULD handle it, but...I mean...I feel like we should try. For research. I like science. Do you like science? We should science.

P.S. I'm...98% sure he's full of shit. I just like to write long penis posts. 

*Not his real username.
** There's a "five-dollar footlong" joke there somewhere, but I'm tired, and Jared ruined all Subway humor.

It's in "People" magazine. Because it happens to People.

I just learned that May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so I'm going to post about it a bit, even though the posts never really go well. But I have a lot of friends who deal with mental health issues, and I dabble (maybe), so I think it's important. Though I'll try not to harp on it, because I understand it's kind of a buzzkill.

Plus, Kristen Bell, who's just delightful. And duh, obviously the little sister from Frozen was depressed and anxious, damn. Elsa was all shitty and agoraphobic, totally repressed because her parents wouldn't let her feel her feelings. Wouldn't even build a snowman with her kid sister, SHIIIT.

That's why Anna was sad, disenchanted, and about to marry some asshole she'd known for a day just so she could get some attention. Baby girl had ISSUES.

(Seriously, though, good for her for talking about it, and in People magazine -- possibly the most mainstream publication ever. And being chill about it, just, "Hey, this is common, and seeking help for it isn't something you should be ashamed of.")

Kristen Bell Discusses Dealing with Anxiety and Depression:

The most recognized song about tequila is misleadingly jaunty...

Ha ha ha… “Craptain.”

Also, um… yeah. Thankfully I don’t have anxiety, but I am having a Thing this week.

Go away, Thing. No one likes you. 

(Except tequila. Tequila LOVES you. Evidently.)

Buzzed Buzzkilling/The Margarita Mystification

Ah, the annual conundrum of the office Cinco de Mayo party: not loving the racism, but REALLY loving the nachos. #ConscientiousGuacamole

I've been digitally Naked Manned

First message from a man on OkCupid whose only profile photo is a bathroom mirror selfie... of his butt-naked body with his penis obscured by a Photoshopped flesh-colored oval: "You have really nice photos! Very pretty and cute, and sexy! I just wanted to tell you that and yes I meant what I said. I hope you dont get mad but your photos turn me on so much."

I'm confused. Why would I think you didn't mean it? Of course you meant it -- you're trying to put parts of you into parts of me. It would hurt your cause to be like, "You're hideous and make my dick soft."

Besides, I KNOW my photos are cute -- that's why they're my photos.

Your naked body isn't bad to look at, sir. Thanks for that. Let us retreat to our respective spank banks and call it a day.

I need. To see. Your FACE.

Honestly, I MIGHT have sex with you! But you need to have a face! I can't know if I'll want to kiss your dick if I can't tell if I'd kiss your face.

Get a face.

P.S. I'm a little embarrassed at how long it took me to realize his message could easily be copy/pasted and sent to a million other women. I'll give him credit for that. And for his body, because JAY-sus -- dude has a better curve on his ass than I do on mine.

This is America. Medicate me.

I'm on medications to even out my mood, give me an attention span, prevent OkCupid babies, and control my heinous allergies.

There are, what, 4,000 erectile dysfunction drugs now?

I think there's one for a particular form of exhaustion you get from shift work.

They debated putting me on a drug that fixes ADHD and binge eating disorder, which... damn, I still want that drug.

So, really, you can't create a drug that will make me feel LESS like my period might actually kill me? One that keeps me from waking up weeping for no reason? (OK, there was a reason, but not a logical one.) Could you, like, get on that, Science? Or could I just get sent to the edge of the village or whatever?

I know there's stuff they can finagle for PMDD. I'm mostly kidding.

Related: the weather in Philly right now can kiss my dick. I checked the forecast and it just said, "Your mood is fucked until Sunday." That's what I saw, anyway. It's possible it just said it'll be cloudy and rainy.

When your relatives ask when you're gonna let a guy come in you...

"Your in-laws will be like, 'Say, when are you gonna give us some grandkids?' And they might as well say, 'Say, when are you gonna start finishing inside our daughter?'"

I said something similar to my father once. That was the last time he asked.

This is a Nerdist podcast of Chris Hardwick's latest standup special. I'm sure you can see/hear it online/on TV; I just happen to have found the podcast first.

 

Freudian slipstick

Email to a friend...

Me: "I am juvenile. But damn, there are a lot of jokes here. "

Friend: "I mean, how are you supposed to NOT make jokes at that? They may as well have named the shades 'John Holmes' and 'Ron Jeremy.' 'Yeah, rub it on your face, baby.'"

Me: "HA! Aaand THAT is why we're friends."

Followup thought: "Gargantuan Golden SHOWERS." Hey-o!

 

It's possible I'm too old to twerk...

Well... I mean, come on... It's been far too long since I've publicly embarrassed myself.

Frisky Friday: Girls Night Out Striptease Dance Party:

In case you don't have Facebook (and GOOD for you, fight the power!), there's more info on the venue site.

Congrats, OkCupid Guy: You made a woman cry. RESULT!

FIRST message from a man on OkCupid: "If you change your mind about the kid thing let me know. You do seem like a riot! :D"

*deep breath* A few things...

1. Thanks a bunch for that cheery kick in the uterus. Much appreciated.

2. So your sole criterion for a baby mama is that she's...funny? That's outstanding, I can't wait to see how your kid turns out.

3. Kids are the only thing you'd need me to change my mind about? So no worries that your profile says you "want to settle down with someone who's in it for the long haul!" but my profile says, "I'm not looking for a relationship, just casual dating." I want to know how you arrived at the decision to message me implying I should consider becoming broodmare to a total stranger -- show your work. Or do you mean we'd default to "long haul" once I accepted my role as your cum dumpster?

4. 'Cause surely YOU'RE gonna be the guy to change my deep-seated commitment and trust issues quickly enough to plant your seed before my last, shriveled egg fades to black? Sure, let me change my not-at-all carefully considered decision about growing a PERSON in my body, raising him/her for 18+ years, shaping them into a decent human being, getting them to school by Ass Early a.m., going into MORE debt for their basic needs and education and...Artisanal Self-Actualization camp or whatever the fuck, all so I can...what, exactly? Spend my life forever tethered to a 46-year-old fuckstick in Morgantown, PA, who's grasping at wombs as he stares down the barrel of his spawn-less mortality? Drive 90 minutes and pay Turnpike tolls so you can jam your half-flaccid cock into me and hope one of your sleepy, disoriented sperm has enough energy to sashay its way into my Danger Zone? PASS.

*exhale*

We'll just ignore the fact that reading the message, and writing this post, legitimately upset me, and now I have to go hide in the ladies' room until I can Irish down this ridiculous rush of emotion brought on by some aging dickhead in the boonies.

P.S. There's nothing wrong with 46, and I know that, science-ly, y'all could knock me up just fine. I just went with impotence because I'm an ass and it's an easy target.

Maybe he meant "work in progress" smart

Seeing an "overeducated" and seemingly insufferably cocky man describe himself as "wip smart" in his OkCupid profile makes me far too happy in my petty places.

Are you just too "overeducated" to heed the sage teachings of Stewie Griffin? 'Cause my state school BA and life spent watching cartoons are serving me pretty well right now.