I'm about to go high-five this woman's vagina.

I was debating what to post today but couldn't decide. And that was CLEARLY because the Lord Baby Jesus knew I'd see this 5 minutes later and laugh so hard my stomach hurt:

"Jesus be a fence around this baby’s mother’s Love Pocket. May it recover, in His MIGHTY name. I IMMEJATELY started doing kegels upon seeing the picture because I got stressed by proxy."

"This baby walked out of his mothers vagina with a career and bills."

"...My uterus just put up a 'closed forever' sign when I read this. Any eggs that were left over just scrambled themselves to save my poor lady bits from that type of destruction. I’ll be over in the corner with my legs crossed thinking about ice packs and Percocet."

P.S. I am aware I'm a bad person. But some of the comments are so, SO funny.

Via Awesomely Luvvie: Whose Precious Giant Newborn is This?

Mo' mommy, mo' problems.

Bwah ha ha... "Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine."

My personal recent Mom favorites:

• "That's a great length for a shirt. It covers your butt."
• "This totally-the-opposite-of-your-hair color/style would look great on you!"
• "If you were going to have kids with anyone, I'd want you to have them with [Ex], because he's smart." (<-- That one was 3 weeks ago. We broke up 3 years ago.)

Cheers, y'all!

Via Reductress: 6 Wines that Pair Well With Having Just Gotten Off the Phone with Your Mother

Word to ya Moms

I debated being a jackass and posting that I'll be spending Mother's Day making it rain disposable, childless income on fancy brunch cocktails and new Lush products. And, don't get me wrong, that IS what I'm doing today.

But also: Serious, non-snarky props to all my mom friends. I hate most children because I hate most people, but your kids are the best because YOU'RE the best. So thanks for raising a new generation of non-assholes. 'Cause we all know if *I* were the one endeavoring to "teach them well and let them lead the way," my kid would be a complete dick -- he'd be late for school every day and have unexplained Cheetos in his unwashed hair. 

So, as for us fruitless non-multipliers... Y'all wanna go get hammered at noon and then go buy some motherfuckin' high-end soaps? 

WE RIDE!

When your relatives ask when you're gonna let a guy come in you...

"Your in-laws will be like, 'Say, when are you gonna give us some grandkids?' And they might as well say, 'Say, when are you gonna start finishing inside our daughter?'"

I said something similar to my father once. That was the last time he asked.

This is a Nerdist podcast of Chris Hardwick's latest standup special. I'm sure you can see/hear it online/on TV; I just happen to have found the podcast first.

 

Congrats, OkCupid Guy: You made a woman cry. RESULT!

FIRST message from a man on OkCupid: "If you change your mind about the kid thing let me know. You do seem like a riot! :D"

*deep breath* A few things...

1. Thanks a bunch for that cheery kick in the uterus. Much appreciated.

2. So your sole criterion for a baby mama is that she's...funny? That's outstanding, I can't wait to see how your kid turns out.

3. Kids are the only thing you'd need me to change my mind about? So no worries that your profile says you "want to settle down with someone who's in it for the long haul!" but my profile says, "I'm not looking for a relationship, just casual dating." I want to know how you arrived at the decision to message me implying I should consider becoming broodmare to a total stranger -- show your work. Or do you mean we'd default to "long haul" once I accepted my role as your cum dumpster?

4. 'Cause surely YOU'RE gonna be the guy to change my deep-seated commitment and trust issues quickly enough to plant your seed before my last, shriveled egg fades to black? Sure, let me change my not-at-all carefully considered decision about growing a PERSON in my body, raising him/her for 18+ years, shaping them into a decent human being, getting them to school by Ass Early a.m., going into MORE debt for their basic needs and education and...Artisanal Self-Actualization camp or whatever the fuck, all so I can...what, exactly? Spend my life forever tethered to a 46-year-old fuckstick in Morgantown, PA, who's grasping at wombs as he stares down the barrel of his spawn-less mortality? Drive 90 minutes and pay Turnpike tolls so you can jam your half-flaccid cock into me and hope one of your sleepy, disoriented sperm has enough energy to sashay its way into my Danger Zone? PASS.

*exhale*

We'll just ignore the fact that reading the message, and writing this post, legitimately upset me, and now I have to go hide in the ladies' room until I can Irish down this ridiculous rush of emotion brought on by some aging dickhead in the boonies.

P.S. There's nothing wrong with 46, and I know that, science-ly, y'all could knock me up just fine. I just went with impotence because I'm an ass and it's an easy target.

Mommy's Special Dinner

Gin & waffles for dinner at 9 p.m. 

One of many reasons I can't be trusted to have children.

"What would we do, baby, without us? Sha la la la..."

I just got called "cold" and had Sad Singleton noises made at me when I mentioned to coworkers that I consider Thanksgiving weekend a short vacation, not family time, and that I hoped my family didn't host dinner, because I'm looking forward to relaxing alone.

"Jeez, some people LIKE spending time with their families." Hey, good for them. I am not one of them. Sorry, is my childhood trauma bothersome to you?

For me, Christmas is the family holiday. I will happily (well...) attend. But a pregame four short weeks BEFORE Christmas? Having my parents insist on family "closeness" now that they're older, not realizing they were my age 25 years ago while they were inadvertently teaching me NOT to value family? Sorry it's not my top priority as an adult.

(I know I don't have to attend either holiday, but skipping both is more of an emotional hassle than it's worth. Plus, ham.)

Thanksgiving weekend is for me to sleep, watch movies, and cook something delicious, not to drive 2 hours to make shitty small talk or silently ponder which mood medications my father should be on.

I can be thankful and reflective by myself. It's better than being asked if my ex is seeing anyone, hearing how much my family misses him, and explaining to obscure relatives looking at me quizzically that I "recently" ended a long relationship. Oh, and don't forget what a good mother I would've been, and how maybe I'll change my mind -- that is not at all like being punched in the uterus. (Also, c'mon, my eggs aren't exactly fresh from the farm. They're, like, Walmart eggs at this point.)

Besides, I promised a friend who'll be spending Thanksgiving with HER family that I'd be her on-call getaway car if she needs an extraction (SEAL Team Smug!). So I'm not the only one not singing "Kumbaya" for family time.

BTW, yes, if you know me, "cold" is exactly the right word. I am a complete, dead-inside asshole, and people I love mean nothing to me. You nailed it.

 

"It's 'uter-US,' not 'uter-YOU.'"

Male Coworker: "I could live on pizza and tacos."
Me: "OMG, me too."
Coworker: "See, that's why you should have kids, because they'll eat that stuff every day."
Me: "Uh, that's why I DON'T have kids, because I'd have giant-mutant-obese kids who only ate pizza and tacos."

Also, that doesn't even make sense -- I don't need to have children to eat tacos and pizza. I just...CAN. I am a grown-ass woman and I can eat tacos whenever the hell I want. AND, with the money I save not having to buy food for Smug Junior, I can also get nachos or extra guac. My barren womb for liquid cheese? This seems like a fair trade.

Joking aside, I must reiterate that this is not a thing you should be saying, especially at work, especially if you don't know the person well. What if a medical condition has made it such that giving birth could actually kill her? What if she's been trying to conceive and not able to? What if she HAS conceived and the pregnancy didn't take? What if her husband has some sort of issue and it's causing them marital problems?

Honestly, shut your fucking mouth. This is a gross and invasive thing to say.

Besides, I don't even have room to birth a kid to share tacos with when I have YOU all up in my vagina. You're really hurting your cause.