The Berenstain Bears and the Illiterate Cheesemonger

Conundrum: An otherwise fine, fairly attractive man on OkCupid sent me a message, but under the "favorite books" prompt in his profile, he just wrote, "I'm not into books."

Ordinarily, immediate grounds for dismissal: "If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them."

BUT...He works with specialty cheeses.

You GUYS. What if he's a cheeseMONGER?!

To his credit, among other things, his message said, "I'll start reading one now if it will help."

Well played, Cheese Guy.

Also, yes, it would help: War and Peace, please. Make it snappy.

Mo' mommy, mo' problems.

Bwah ha ha... "Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine."

My personal recent Mom favorites:

• "That's a great length for a shirt. It covers your butt."
• "This totally-the-opposite-of-your-hair color/style would look great on you!"
• "If you were going to have kids with anyone, I'd want you to have them with [Ex], because he's smart." (<-- That one was 3 weeks ago. We broke up 3 years ago.)

Cheers, y'all!

Via Reductress: 6 Wines that Pair Well With Having Just Gotten Off the Phone with Your Mother

Radical feminist nachos

I saw a shirt online that said "Ask me about my radical feminist agenda," and I think I need it, mostly because if anyone actually asked, I'd probably just say "Nachos."

I guess maybe "nacho equality." Like, "I want 100% nachos, not 78% or whatever it is. I want as many nachos as a man. And extra cheese. For, um...restitution or whatever."

In which Three Olives is my interim therapist

You say "day drinking my feelings" like it's a BAD thing. 

#FamilyTime 

#TherapyIsDandyButLiquorIsQuicker

#CheeseIsAlsoHelping

Captain Picard never logged his calories.

Diet and fitness challenge with friends, Day 1: There is no cheese on this salad and everything is stupid and tastes like tragedy with a dressing of baby unicorn tears and I'm still menstruating and if you don't hear from me again it's because I died of cheeselessness and injustice.

Introducing the new 2016 Mini-Cooper Sharp.

OK, sure, it's POSSIBLE I'm eating cheese from the package while I drive because I have PMS. 

But I think a more plausible explanation is that "driving cheese" is an amazing idea and I'm a goddamn innovator. 

Look at that tray. LOOK AT IT. That is clearly destined to hold cheese.