Mo' mommy, mo' problems.

Bwah ha ha... "Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine."

My personal recent Mom favorites:

• "That's a great length for a shirt. It covers your butt."
• "This totally-the-opposite-of-your-hair color/style would look great on you!"
• "If you were going to have kids with anyone, I'd want you to have them with [Ex], because he's smart." (<-- That one was 3 weeks ago. We broke up 3 years ago.)

Cheers, y'all!

Via Reductress: 6 Wines that Pair Well With Having Just Gotten Off the Phone with Your Mother

Blow me, Shakespeare -- EVERYTHING is in a name.

I never mentioned that Elbows Guy had the same name as my ex.

But let's say my ex's name is John -- Elbows Guy was a grown-ass man who chose to go by "Johnny." That was enough of a departure to clear him for a first date, but in hindsight I don't know what I was thinking. Moaning "Johnny" in bed was not gonna work for me, just generally. But also, my ex's family called him Johnny when he was a kid, and occasionally as an adult at family gatherings. So in any sexual context, Johnny has "ick" all over it. (Johnny Castle notwithstanding.)

So of course today I get a nice enough first message from a different OkCupid guy, and I'm thinking, "Huh. This is pretty good, I'll probably respond," but then toward the end he says, "By the way, my name's 'That Guy.'"*

Of course it fucking is.

I gotta stop screwing around with guys with common names. Next guy I get naked with has to be named, like...Moonbeam.


*If you've just followed recently, That Guy is the pseudonym I assigned to a guy who hurt me pretty badly, and when I used to talk to friends about him, they'd be like, "Oh, THAT guy..."