Let's talk about sex.

I can't go to this class, but you should:   

"It's finally time to find out everything about sex you wish you'd been taught in school. It's never too late to learn how to make sex better, the ways our bodies function, STIs, birth control, and much more. Come ready with an open mind and lots of questions, and leave feeling confident with knowledge you can use."

Here's the instructor's Twitter. She's pretty badass, and also one of my favorite people.

And as long I'm pimpin', do you follow me? You totally should. I'm kind of adorable.  

WebMD’ing my vagina just peaked my “talent” as a writer.

One of the dumbest things I’ve ever Googled is “abnormal vaginal bleeding.”

I know it happens. Just generally not to me, and not off and on for 6 days.

So I looked it up and WebMD says I’m basically dying. OR, helpfully, there could be “an object” in my vagina.

AN OBJECT. IN MY VAGINA.

I love how vague that is, as if there could be, like… dice in there. Butterscotch candies. Maybe a $20 bill I forgot about.

Get out of my vagina, Object. It is not for storage!

OMG, you guys…The Cuntainer Store.

Yep, that’s it. I’m never writing again. That was my Bill Hader score on LeBron James, right there.

P.S. There is absolutely no object in my vagina. My sex toys are all present and accounted for, and no other objects have been visiting the region.

I am juvenile. And this is hilarious.

Via NYMAG.com: Indiana Women Are Calling the Governor About Their Periods. 

Last words on Waffles Guy

I almost forgot to report that Waffles Guy texted me Sunday morning asking when we could get together again. And that is my fault. I did let him kiss me, and let him leave the last date thinking there'd be another. So...my bad. I did want to kiss him, and I'll admit I didn't have the balls to a) stop him from kissing ME, or b) sack up and say to his face that there wouldn't be a third date.

I let the text sit for a day because I was busy and didn't have time to think about a response. He texted again yesterday morning, asking if I'd gotten the FIRST text. I apologized for the delay, told him I had, but that: "I actually don't think we should get together again. I had a nice time, but I don't see it going further."

I said essentially the same thing to Elbows Guy, and he was cool with it, so... brilliant, right? I've created The Line? Kind, but clear? I AM a real writer!

Yeah, no. Waffles Guy texted back and said, "Why, what happened?"

And for as much of a snarky asshat as I was when recounting what happened on that date...nothing really "happened." It was all MY preferences and issues. There's gotta be a woman who'd find him charming...no woman *I* know, but surely someone.

So I told him nothing specific happened, but I didn't think we had "anything in common except for George Carlin. :)," and he responded, "Didn't get together enough to really find that out...oh well...good luck :)"

...Um, how much more time do YOU need? I knew 30 minutes into the second date. Do your stories about diverticulitis or shopping for shirts get better?

I told a friend about this and she said, "You didn't need to give him any response, but seriously, was he hoping you'd say, 'Never mind. You're right. We should date some more?'"

I gave him a, "Thanks, you too!" and called it a day.

Waffles Guy, we hardly knew ye.

The greatest LinkedIn notification I've ever received...

"Let's do that. Let's do EXACTLY that."

So here's a thing a purportedly adult man decided it'd be perfectly acceptable to say to a woman in a first OkCupid message on a Saturday morning:

"Hiya. Would you be interested in getting great oral? Or at least a great make our session?"

A few things: 

1. I can't decide if he remembers he sent me the FIRST intro message 2 weeks ago and said only, "Hiya. LOL @ a relatively decent command of the English language. That's not asking much!" (Response to bit of my profile.) 

Is this supposed to be a followup after that went unanswered, like maybe he's just switching up his game? Or does my profile somehow convey that half the reason I'm dating is because I can't go down on myself, and he's like, "My direct approach will swiftly lead to this woman sitting on my face?"

2. You went with "hiya," huh? Twice? Right. *nod*

3. Assuming you could spell "make out"...we're 40. Really? I'm gonna get Date Pretty for a "make out session?" Would this be before or after your mom drives us to take the SATs? "Naw, man. Naw. Shit, naw, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' somethin' like that."

4. Can you even go down on a woman when you're obviously made entirely of balls?

10 Things I (Won't) Date About You

I'm going with a basic list for last night's date recap (Waffles Guy, date 2), because no storytelling would be better than just throwing it all out there:

1. He really likes Triumph the Insult Comic. He was surprised I didn't, because it's "such similar humor to George Carlin's." 

THAT is when I should've left. BUT...

2. He ordered Bud Light Lime. On purpose. And paid for it. With money.  

3. He mocked Rhonda Rousey for saying she was depressed after a loss, because "she just didn't get her way," and "male fighters would never say something like that -- they'd say, 'OK, I'll get back to the gym, work harder.'" 

So... You can't be depressed but ALSO plan to improve? But "that's not what a champion says."

He actually seemed pretty dismissive about mental health issues in general, which is odd because he works in a facility that treats addicts and people with psych issues. But fuck you, dude -- I'm only moderately crazy ("dysthymic," I believe is the word), and therapy and meds have helped me a lot. And I know at least two people who'd probably be dead if they hadn't sought help.

4. There's "gentleman," which I enjoy, and then there's repeatedly insisting I put your coat over my shoulders even when I've said I'm not cold. Dude, it's 65 degrees out, and I am a grown-ass woman who can determine when she needs a coat.

5. Related: While walking, he told me he was switching sides with me on the sidewalk so I wasn't walking closest to the street. 

I forgot that was a THING. 

I don't usually get feminist-tweaked until you start treating me like a child, and then suddenly you're staring down the barrel of 40 years of family issues. I know when I need a coat, and it's our second date, so... you're gonna, what, get hit by an out-of-control car so I don't? Way to volunteer as Tribute.

6. Discussing movies:
Him: "I never saw Lord of the Rings. Is that the one with the kid with the glasses?"
Me: *blink*"...No. That's Harry Potter."
Him:"Oh, right! I've never seen those movies, either."

I don't care if he didn't see them. But how the actual balls do you confuse the two?

7. He said Breaking Bad was "just OK," and that Better Call Saul is better. I hope someone gives you Stevia. (Kidding.)

8. Audible eater. (Of FOOD, shut up.)

9. While not as disgusting or graphic as I would've thought, hearing how diverticulitis presents in an adult male is still pretty boring.

10. When I asked if he was a Trump voter: "There are two things I don't talk about in public: religion and politics. One I know far too much about, one I know nothing about. I won't tell you which is which, but I will say I went to Catholic school for 12 years."

Wow. I am in awe of the enigma of you.

I realize some of this is just me being an asshole. But... I mean, the valid points are REALLY valid. (It also hit a lot of my big-issue nerves, but that's ME, not him, so I'll get into that later.)

P.S. I let him kiss me because I was still curious after he didn't on the first date, and I'll give him credit: Solid kiss, one hand around my waist, one hand in my hair. Good work, sir. A little too much moaning for me personally, but overall, good for you.