Wax on, whacks off

Re: @yvettestjames blowjob class: "I already knew HOW, but it's like knowing how to fight & then getting a chance to train with Mr. Miyagi."

Better living through blowjobs

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Growing and blowing

Tonight I'm going to learn how to put a condom on a banana using my mouth. So... My Friday night is probably gonna be different than most. 

"How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?"

P.M.S. P.S.

The P.S. on an email to friends about all my special feeeeelings:

"I'm also menstruating, so kindly accept this grain of salt. Just a grain, though -- I'll bite your goddamn hand off if you take my salt."

"Fuck you. Fuck you very, very muuuch..."

Earlier I wondered if I'm walking around all Bitchface McIrritable at work today because I have PMS.

And then I saw this, got viciously angry, then weepy-sad, so... that answers that.

My body image has been hovering around decent lately, so I'm pissed this got to me, but Christ, this is what *I* look like, just shorter. People are fucking awful.

But then...Hm, I still think she's hot, so I must be hot, too.

Right, then. Done and done. Good work, Brain.

Via E! Online and Hateful Fuckers Everywhere: Amy Schumer Slams Haters After Beach Body Criticism, Says She Looks ''Strong and Healthy''

My name is NO.

Dispatches from the Department of Refusing to Believe an OkCupid Profile is Real...

"Hi there my name is shane i would like to ask you an intriguing and unique idea as long as your an open minded person and don't mind a thinking outside the box type of idea"

This is not a thing a grown-ass human man wrote. *shaking head* Nope. NOOOPE.

I'm about to go high-five this woman's vagina.

I was debating what to post today but couldn't decide. And that was CLEARLY because the Lord Baby Jesus knew I'd see this 5 minutes later and laugh so hard my stomach hurt:

"Jesus be a fence around this baby’s mother’s Love Pocket. May it recover, in His MIGHTY name. I IMMEJATELY started doing kegels upon seeing the picture because I got stressed by proxy."

"This baby walked out of his mothers vagina with a career and bills."

"...My uterus just put up a 'closed forever' sign when I read this. Any eggs that were left over just scrambled themselves to save my poor lady bits from that type of destruction. I’ll be over in the corner with my legs crossed thinking about ice packs and Percocet."

P.S. I am aware I'm a bad person. But some of the comments are so, SO funny.

Via Awesomely Luvvie: Whose Precious Giant Newborn is This?